So I actually feel disgusted.

I'm not sure how clear I am on this but I'm not sure if I like BDSM. Why did I like it to begin with?

I just watched The Piano Teacher for the 2nd time, first time was way back when, I didn't know much about BDSM and I know the movie is actually more about her character's masochism rather than BDSM but I'm thinking that only goes a little further than the BDSM books I have read. Not her inner turmoil because truly BDSM is about trust and if you have that you can't hurt so much like the character in The Piano Teacher, but the actions to an extent.

I'm not sure if Huppert's character in the movie actually takes a shit whilst watching this couple have sex. It's degrading and whilst I like deprived, I'm not sure if degrading is for me so much. I'm not going to attack someone who finds different things erotic to me but I'm just wondering about my BDSM interest. I like obsession between two people, when you HAVE to taste that person but I'm not so sure about spanking or gagging. I once blogged about having an interest in someone pushing my limits or walking all over me, I don't know if I want that anymore. So the erotica I have written seems a bit foreign where as once it was ME. The problem is I think I've gone soft inside, I mean I still have my edges but at the moment making love and tasting, sucking and licking each part of each other's body seems better than anything else. I've had crushes before but I think something else has happened to me. No bond, but whatever it is, I haven't felt like this pre discovery of BDSM and now I am more mature and know more, I feel the same as I felt for Huppert's character years ago, which is bad for her angst and pain, but if someone told me beat me, or beat someone else, gosh I'd react a little like that young man in the movie. Inside I'd definitely feel like he says.