Am I gay?

I know you're thinking oh god woman go away with your blog updates but HAHA.

If I have something to say this is my way of saying it. I write, that's just what I do.

Anyway I was actually thinking why not be gay? Okay don't kill me, it's not a fad or some sexy new thing for me. I can look at a female and find her attractive, that doesn't make me a lesbian but I have that in me so to speak. I don't recall ever gettting a crush on a woman but then my crushes are really odd and random. I don't even know if I ever had a crush on someone I "went out with." But I did find them attractive.

I just find men harsh. And women mostly seem not to be. Women are just nicer. I don't buy that a man can't be as big a bitch as a women are given the reputation of being. And if a woman is a bitch, there's a vulnerability there. There's a vulnerability with men too but I really hate their dumb testosterone. (no really this is how I write and think). And I'm not really into men who are vulnerable in a needy or hate themselves kind of way. I HATE passive aggressiveness. And "bad boys" never did it for me. And the inbetween/ somewhere in the middle all thats just never had a strong enough will.

Women are the softer sex in every way.

It feels like I'm rebounding from something and so I'm looking for the opposite of the bad stuff I'm reacting to- if one wants to get all psychoanalytical. (I know I've done it in the stupidest way ever).

Let's just say also it's not like I've developed a new interest in a lesbian porn. I always got off more on women than men. Sort of 50 percent what the woman looks like and girl on girl and 50 percent what she is doing to a man; sucking cock is a big turn on ..and what he is doing to her; fondling, yum.

I'm just actually going to call myself a lesbian..because it's still a taboo in society. It WOULD be far more convinient to be straight so my thought process is to get used to the idea and it's not like I am overcoming something in myself, I don't have a problem with being gay, if I did I would say right here right now, but for 25 years it's been like the whole traditional romantic view points (as traditional as I'll ever get) so now it's about exploring myself. I really have always wanted to be true to myself. My sexuality regardless of my sex life is a big, big thing to me. And to me sexuality is not about making men happy, in fact I loathe, detest, feel nauseous at that whole idea. Sexuality..it's about making ME happy.

Of course that's not to say I won't be reading about sexy police officers anymore...I'll just be broadening my horizons to the sexy new inmate fantasies too.

Why is someone else's appearance so important to you?

This blog like I say is a diary of sorts. I write about everything on here. I know it's called express your kink but at the moment this is my life and I write about my life on here.

As I was saying..I know about first impressions and I know about forming an opinion, human nature blah blah but for over 20 years my appearance has been oh so important to other people. Good skin, not so good skin, chin length hair, shoulder length hair, short hair, thin eyebrows, thicker eyebrows, make up, no make up, smart clothes, casual clothes, uk size 12/14, uk size 10, trendy t shirt, not so trendy caridigan, no matter what I do, why is my appearance such a factor to you?

I've never pretended or acted like I'm a beauty, so just why not just leave me alone? Heaven forbid I never pretend I'm "cool"..so? I'm just trying to get by in this world and trying to survive, I look presentable, I look okay, I've asked various people and they have gone as far as to say nothing is wrong with the way I look. I don't buy the you're beautiful/pretty stuff because I actually think all that shit is about social status.

But I have been treated like shit. And I'm at my wits end. I'm just a stranger to you so why do you feel the need to look me over and dismiss me? I don't want your approval, I just want to be treated like a human being. Maybe I dont look human then? Is that it? And I'm not being paranoid because I've heard the comments and I've seen the very direct looks. The worst is when I'm being looked in the eye and I don't get why.

I know other people go through this but I have to go through it every day, every hour, every 2 minutes, I've reached a point where I myself don't know where to look.

If I look back at you, you will continue and continue to stare, you may even laugh to your friend and then both of you stare back and if I don't look at you, you will do the same.

So for me it's like my actions aren't of any worth anymore.

And how about looking at me as well as the rest of my family for perfume or ordering food? I look at you, I smile, I say thanks but no, nothing.

I'm not allowed to smile at strangers, I''ll get the stare and then you will look away.

And to people who know me, this isn't "jealousy" because I get this reaction from everyone, white, brown, black, 12, 24, 44, 74, (no really), male or female, accountant or builder or shop assistant and even doctor.

And heaven forbid I talk to anyone..

I just don't really know what to do anymore because I feel scared. I've accepted this as something that will continue and that I will never be able to walk down a street and not have this happen to me. Other people wonder if they're attractive to others, I move out of people's way and try and turn my face or give a little smile so I don't get punched. Yes you read correctly. I was shit scared the other day when I had this girl and her boyfriend both look me in the eye and stare during a tram ride. I looked back at them and the girl looked away (I tend to find girls have more empathy) but the boy..you males are just fucking mean. I've tried with you lot in the sense I treat you like I would treat the opposite gender but I get some weird does the minger fancy me vibe as you ignore and look away. I'm just looking where I'm walking and that I don't get in your way as I know you that not only will you not give me any room, you'll make a rude noise and maybe hurt my arm or move yours away in disgust.

At least when I was being bullied in school, it was hard but straighforward but now even if I were to get this on camera, I know I would get a smirk type response as in of course people act like this to you, its you after all. I have some experience of this type of response and I am a perceptive person, so I don't buy this paranoid or petty jealousy bullshit. It feels more like hatred.

And I'm trying to understand this, "you know some people just dont seem nice, that's her." A comment directed at me when I was walking past a group of men. So when I'm smiling, saying thank you, I'm not nice? It's actually been commented on by the people who have taken time to get to know me that I am a nice person. I have many flaws but I didn't think being an offensive bitch was one of them. Yet that is how I am treated.

If I have done something wrong just by being born, why the fuck am I here? It's this that makes me angry and upset. Not upsetting you but just being treated like dog dirt and that someone upstairs must fucking hate me. And I may as well say it since it's what I feel but I fucking hate them too. And I wish I could wake up tomorrow and I have a completely different face..because I feel it may even fucking save my life.

For the after.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb120XP9Kl0

Slowburn; a few days later.

Sweat.

Sweat dripped down Mel's body as she walked to Mike's work. It was 30 degrees Celsius, it was too fucking hot to do anything. She had moaned that into his ear when he wildly fucked her in the morning. He was a man unstoppable. But she knew he would never be late for work no matter how exhausted he was. There wasn't a time they weren't naked during those few days after she found him on her stairs.

And she didn't feel cold once. Not with his body heat.

Now the temperatures had risen and this morning she licked the sweat playing join the dots with the freckles on his body. When she took his dick in her mouth, the look on his face was exquisite. It was barely held control. He almost lost it. Almost. But she knew him. He rarely ever lost it. Though she tried her damnedest..because when HE would let out a swear word or a growl it was so worth it.

It didn't help to think of him, remember him and have her pussy wet already. Everytime she pointlessly tried to lick off the top of her upper lip, she tasted salt and she wondered if that was only just the sweat or was some of him still left on her.

He always had so much cum to give her.

When she reached the stairs she touched the cold railing to stop herself from coming just thinking about Michael Stevens.

"Detective Michael Stevens" It was supposed to sound playful when she said it, instead it just came out in a whisper.

"You bad girl."

She didnt know how to describe the way he could be sexy without even knowing it or trying, on another man it could have sounded too playful, on him it made her his even more.

"You look nice."

3 days with him fucking her like he owned every every dimple, spot, every media called flaw of her body still hadn't stopped her from making dumb bimbo comments.

"You look hot."

"I know, I'm sweating like anything" She perched on his desk a little.

He gave her a wicked look, taking in all her body and noting the blush on her cheeks. Anyone else did that she always waited for them to move away as though she were a digusting pig, Mike did that, she loved every second of it.

He stroked her jean clad leg.

"I think I must have put on weight, I'm sweating a little more than usual."

"What?!"

She almost laughed with him but he was essentially laughing at her!

"What are you going to do."

"I don't know its too hot to excersise. I can't even walk in this heat." She replied seriously wondering what she going to do.

"You could always just stay in bed all day?"

"On my own" She nodded wondering if he had a screw loose.

"I'd ring you up.."Melanie it's me.." He smiled with his eyes "get that hot sweaty ass out of my bed"

"Hmm"

"If I come home and you're not there to greet me in the naked flesh then I'll take you over my knee and spank you for being naughty little bitch."

"Yeah"

She jumped in his lap and he devoured her lips.

"Bad girl"

"Oh"

He fingered her wet pussy as she writhed on his lap.

"All your weight on me Melanie"

Oh God full name, must be bad.

"Michael" She kissed his jaw, "Please fuck me now, I beg you"

"Dirty..you need a good punishment. I'll lock you in a cell and fuck you behind bars with your boobs jammed between the railings"

"Oh please" She cried on top on top of him. He was so hard but he couldn't stop finger fucking her through her panties.

"I'd lose my job over you don't you know that?"

She didnt know anything but his dick in her cunt. Nothing else was real or of worth.

"Okay I'll take you" He kissed her softly even through his passion and even though she knew she could feel his dick literally throb.

"On all fours"

Oh my, she almost lost it there, especially when he licked her pussy juices from his fingers.

"Yes Detective"

She turned around, her panties around her legs, carefully and purposefully giving him an eyeful of her ass and got down on the ground. Her hands were on the floor, her head bent, her bottom high and waiting, her pussy dripping.

She could feel his nails on her bottom. She couldn't help but wiggle. He had such beautiful fingers, no not beautiful, HOT, hot hot fingers.

"Oh!"

"I wish I could kiss you" He moaned after slapping her arse.

"I wish you could too"

"You need this every day"

"Yes" she weeped in every way.

She then felt his hand on her other cheek but he didn't slap. Nothing happened for a moment and she tried to catch his eyes. Pain. And it wasn't just frustration, she didnt know how to explain but she caught that pain in that one look.

"Michael.." She wanted to say he could be the only person to do this to her every day or even just once a week, whenever he wanted, but this was a slightly sore spot between them thanks to that stupid girl on girl encounter. But she did it just for him. Well for her t..

"UH!" He slapped her other cheek. Oh God that was hard.

She smiled even though part of her wanted to cry..for his hurt.

"Look at your body" He growled "Taut tummy and hard nipples. I wish I could suck one."

But he stuck his dick in her arsehole. Fuck he must have been a bit angry. She liked it. On him.

No warning. Oh and it was..after a moment..it was heaven.

She knew no other.

He controlled her body and fucked her arsehole. She felt her nipples so hard on the rough carpet and her pussy weep and cry.

She wouldn't touch it.

"Oh!" But he did.

"I want you tto come."

She really wished she could see his eyes.

"Come inside your slut" She moaned. OH! He spanked her. Hard on one cheek. Then the other. Then back to the other burning cheek.

"Pinch your nipples"

Oh..she was in too much pleasure..OH. "Oh Michael"

"Imagine me sucking ice from them"

"Oooh"

"Your ass..your asshole is so tight."

He took his fingers away from her pussy and rammed his dick hard into her butthole. He roared loudly.

"So good.."

"I KNOW" He growled

He came shooting cum in her arsehole and she followed.

Please.

(this isn't pic for this book but I find it fits)

"Newly divorced Lacey Meyers wasted too many years yawning through sex in the missionary position. Now she's looking for a hookup with a man who can make her shatter. What she gets is a hot younger cop with handcuffs…and he's not afraid to use them."

Oh yum.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hunter Anderson knows the score—though classy, successful women like Lacey might play with guys like him, at the end of the evening, they walk. But when one night leads to another and then another, he finds himself getting too attached to a woman he can’t have.

Lacey knows Hunter—gorgeous, hard-edged and eight years younger—won’t want anything permanent. No matter how hot and daring he makes her first public sex, quickie, backseat encounter and secret fantasy role-play, she can’t mistake adventurous sex for emotional involvement.

They both know it’s got to end, and soon, or someone’s going to get hurt. But can either of them go back to life without the other?

Reader Advisory: Lacey’s highly erotic “forced” sex fantasy comes true in this book. Lucky her!"

Oh GOSH.

http://www.ellorascave.com/pm-7243-570-liberating-lacey.aspx

No easy fixes.

Too often there are adverts like life changing weight loss or life changing new bosoms or life changing new scar removal. News flash. Your life won't change unless you make it. Perhaps you are one of those people who has some random person come up to you saying wonderful (perhaps also weird) things but if you're not, you should still do and get what you want; abs, boobs, hair, whatever, just don't expect rainbows to magically appear. Confidence isn't the key. Being calm is. And if you want something quickly, then you have to be prepared to put in the hard work. So cut out the bullshit and really think about what YOU want.

There are no easy fixes or instant anythings..and if there are, tread with caution.

I've also been thinking about continuing one of my stories, not because I am in love with myself but because I really like that world I have created but I don't want the heroine's life to change magically, because actually when there's "magic" there's always a load of bullshit to come after shortly (that's how rollercoasters work), so I want her to have to change in herself without the hero changing her and that change will be gradual because she's not a short term burn out. And by change in herself, I mean progression. Inner confidence, that sort of thing. This isn't Mtv, cool isn't a new sideswept hair cut, it's being totally comfortable with yourself no matter what.

And anyway who cares about cool when you have YAWP.

If you forget me , Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

His poetry is really beautiful. Highly recommended and I'm hardly a romantic.

Don't just read it, whisper it, mean it, breathe it against my skin

Okay enough of that nonsense, some erotic poetry

Upon the Nipples of Julia's Breast

(well of course it got my attention)

Have you beheld (with much delight)
A red rose peeping through a white?
Or else a cherry (double graced)
Within a lily? Centre placed?
Or ever marked the pretty beam,
A strawberry shows, half drowned in cream?
Or seen rich rubies blushing through
A pure smooth pearl, and orient too?
So like to this, nay all the rest,
Is each neat niplet of her breast.

I prefer this one, it's by EE Cummings

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows.
i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling -firm-smooth ness and which i willagain and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzzof your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh. . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new


I want to write some really erotic poetry. I just watched the trailer for Bright Star and the poster itself makes me want to write real bad (not something real bad but in my case it always goes in that direction..do you know what I mean?) but it's late, 3 minutes past midnight, and I want to take my time.

The opposite of model

Ok strange title. But...I was watching a rom com today. I don't mind calling it a rom com because I don't mean in it a demeaning way. For me, if you love something then no one can tell you it's not worthy of being a great film. It could be for whatever reason/s a great film to you. (You decide its worthiness not the Academy Awards nor Roger frickin Ebert).

SO blabbering aside, this movie was called 27 Dresses. It was okay, entertaining, nice to watch with my sister and we had a laugh but a theme in the movie reminded of me that other one, one which I kind of dread to hear about..The Truth About Cats and Dogs. The theme similarity is ..hottie women as opposed to the not considered hottie women. And yes I'm going to use the cheap and idiotic label hottie because the idea that one woman's worthiness can be derived from the way she looks ..it's weird, odd, intolerant and narrowminded.

The Truth About Cats and Dogs..could they do more to tell us Abby is "ugly"? Could they do more to tell us Uma Thurman will stop traffic? Perhaps she will. Perhaps she does. But I don't want to ever have a daughter and her say to me, "Mum I'm ugly. I'm not pretty. Why can't I look like her (points to Giselle Bunchen or someone)?" You know what I'll say, I'll say because you're not supposed to look like her. Because we are all different and we can all be beautiful in our different ways. And regardless of anyone telling me that is contrite bullshit or consoling feminism, I actually truly believe that. But will she?

See I think you can be opposite of model and still be gorgeous. The majority may not find you so but the majority can be sheep. I use the word can I point out. So what's the point in The Truth About Cats and Dogs? That someone may love you for your personality and your looks grow on them but they may see hottie and lust after her. That is incredibly patronising. It's probably true..is it?..but I don't want to be part of that world. I'd rather live in one of my own where Janeane Garafalo could play Uma Thurman's part and visa versa.

Where inner and outer beauty are not seperated like this so women are not objectified and can be called beautiful human beings. Not beautiful girls when we're 30, not beautiful chicks but human beings so all looks are recognised and someone's worth itself lies only in their human nature.

It's Spanking Sunday

And this pictures does it justice.

I shall simply have to put a spanking new addition to Nice Guy.


Here it is

Walking into the small living area, he expected to see her there. Waiting for him. She wasn’t there.

Where are you? He thought. He was late already, he rushed and rushed to get everything cleared and sorted but he got roped in covering someone else. Oh God he missed her so much. He couldn’t get the sight of her breasts out of his mind, the feel of their soft skin and hard rosy nipples and their weight..they way she loved having them sucked. He needed them in his mouth again.

Where are you?

He hated listening to gossip, he wanted to hear something interesting, worth living for, not the picky and mindless bullshit he heard now. But he tried to listen..in case they mentioned her. He wasn’t sure until now, until the silly girl on his left mentioned something about not coming down for breakfast so she could make it up for lunch…and then rage took over.

“What the hell?!”

But he didn’t respond. Nor did he turn around to see the damage he did to the table and bowls and plates.He now knew where she was.In her room.


*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK !!!*

“Open the door” He said against the wood. His voice was low but his hands were trembling.

“Open the door” He said again, gently this time.

He knew. She had been crying.

“I’m so sorry” He moaned kissing her, not helping it, just taking possessing her lips, mouth and tongue.She pushed him against the wall, much as he was impressed with her strength, he pushed her so she was against the wall.

“Oooh”He spanked her hard.All the time they kissed passionately and he didn’t know who was making what moan.

“Anyone ca,.can see us” She breathlessly panted but not leaving her lips off his.

He spanked her again.

Then he turned her around so her arse filled his gaze as well his hands.

“Why didn’t you eat breakfast?” He growled in her ear.

“Oh please..” She writhed.

She was so ready for him to be in her, he knew.

“Tell me“..He tried to sooth his two previous spanks on her bottom and then he just got carried away in groping her flesh through her pyjamas.

“I ate…”

“Tell me properly" She was going crazy in his hands “And then I’ll fuck your pussy from behind” He whispered almost crying. He really needed inside her.

“I ate.”

“I’m going to make you come just from sucking your breasts” He turned her around and sucked her left tit through her t shirt.

“Oh”

“Tell me” He whispered against her cloth covered nipple, wrapping his lips around it again.

“I ate.”

Fuck she was stubborn! He took both her large breasts in his hands and hotly attempted to suck both of them, sometime taking half of one and then half of the other in his mouth. He could feel her pussy. He knew she would be wet. Sometimes the material would go in his mouth.

“Tell me” He kissed around her nipples and then took one nipple in his mouth, sucking it and then licking it over. He bit gently.

“I want you in me please!” She had her hands in his hair holding him to her boobs.

“Tell me first” He alternated in sucking both nipples, moving from one to the other,.

“So stubborn” She moaned.He snorted against her, hating the fact he did so but he couldn’t help it.

“Spank me” She gushed. Was she close to coming?

“I hurt you before” He had his hands on her bottom, his mouth taking care of her breasts just fine.

“I…”

Yes? But he couldn’t breathe let alone anything else at the moment.He stopped sucking her breasts. Looking her straight in the eye, he took hold of her hand.He saw one chair near the other side of the wall and he led her to it.He sat down holding her hand and she was standing right next to him. Breathing hard as he. It all made no sense what so ever.

“On my lap” He managed to get out in a whisper.He could see her hesitation. Then the first thing he felt was her boobs. Or was it her belly? She didn’t really know how to do this either. She had her breasts and belly wreaking havoc with his dick.

“Make up your mind” He moaned. Stop wriggling, stop it before I come in my pants.She stopped moving.

It would have been funny the way she was “laid” on his lap..but his gaze just zeroed in on her pyjama clad bottom. With a tug, he got most of her arse. He pulled them off a bit more, baring all of her bottom and pushing her white cotton panties with the rest of the material.So beautiful. He could see a dimple and some lines along with the plump of her cheeks. He wanted to kiss her arse all over.

He touched his hand to her, just letting her feel it.

His heart was going crazy and he was nervous as hell.

“Ohhh” It was best to get the first proper one out of the way. There was a pink mark where he slapped her.

“Oh!” This one made his hand hurt..and her mark was more pink and spread. His dick was a traitor, so aroused.

“Oh” He got another one. He wasn’t feeling any less nervous. The other cheek. So fucking hard, he could feel her pussy juices. I need to be inside you baby, he thought. Instead he just spanked her other cheek.

“Oh yes!”

“Stop” he said lowly, his voice a mess.

“It turns me on.”

“Slut” That just came out.

Oh she was so aroused and this was not easy for him. But ..but he didn’t know what the hell was going on.

“Uh”

“What did I say?”

She whimpered and her pussy gushed.

“Yeah” She very breathily whispered.

He spanked her through her coming over his trousers.

And another.

“I want inside you” With his help she sat up so that she faced him and he sucked her right breast, the nipple so very rosy and perky. He tongued it over and over. Could she come again?He better get inside her but her nipples were so delicious. He couldn’t resist the other one. She shifted against him. He looked up and her eyes were wild with passion. They were so, so dark right now. She placed her hands on each side of his face and kissed him softly on the lips.He knew he was in love with her right then and there.

“Oh…in a minute..” His shaky hands took undid his zipper. He pulled his dick out. She moved a little and now his dick touched her pussy.

“That’s it” He moaned. He could get it inside her now.He didn’t take his eyes away from hers because he had no intention of depriving himself.

She gasped. Yeah today it was the worst. He was going to shoot his cum inside her.

“Half an apple...they make fun of me.” She moaned and kissed him passionately.

“I’m coming” He gasped.

“In me.” He heard and felt her breathe hitch. “All in me.”

I love you.

Obligatory hot vampire picture

It's all in their don't care attitudes, i swear it is. So damned erotic.

Vampire movies; Interview With The Vampire, I'm just going to put Christopher Lee here because hasn't he done a few?!, the yet to be seen DayBreakers, Let The Right One In and Twilight. People who bash Twilight without reading it (not just two lines) or seeing the movie ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME; GO BITE MY ARSE.

Terms of endearment

I pretty much agree with this.

What's everyone else liking/loving?

I don't have a reason as to why I like the baby one, it's nothing to do with Dirty Dancing, haha, just find it does things to me more than others. Of course it all depends on how it's said and who is saying it. But you can't go wrong with baby in my opinion. Even if it's said and used a million times a second nowadays. Sweetheart is another favourite but not so much during the dirtier aspects of sex..sweetheart this sweetheart that and one thinks just do it already! It can be a staller for me.