I sort of want to put this in My Diary (I sort of have too much time on my hands)

but this does contain elements of kink, yeah like my other diary posts are as wholesome as a mum's blouse - which is not that wholesome. Moving on, when someone says something, it can be as a joke, I just think wait a minute..I hang onto what they say. I've realised it's because I have this habit of comparing myself to other people, there's a slight competitiveness (sp) there and I keep thinking of the time I watched this programme about an athlete who said when he's running he doesn't care or think about anyone or anything else, "it's just me on that track" no one else exists. IS his aim to win the race? Isn't he trying to be faster than the others..or is he just trying to be the fastest HE can be? But can you imagine how the world would be a better place if we just did what he did..he won races, he had a great interview style, he came off as polite and learned..I was pretty much in love with him..I'm joking but I wanted to be him, 'cept I didn't have this want to run back then. I have now but then nowadays I want it all..and that's aactually not because I compare myself to others but just because I really do want it all.

You can drive yourself crazy by focusing on others and yourself compared to others more than when you focus on you. It's just I give off the impression I dont do that and I KNOW that pisses people off, some people will just stare at me like I'm off in my own little world or I'm snobby but im actually trying to avoid conflict by staring back at them because it fucking hurts me when I do that and see what I see.

I want to move on from this.

I was reading an erotic ebook called Do As I Say by the fabulousy named Penn Halligan. A few reasons why I love this book and I need not explain because the quotes are self explanatory. Let's just say what Robert the hero says, hits it home totally for me.

It's a great book, very sexy, very erotic. A side note, there's a character called Neil and then there's Robert with my DPS fixation and all that adds to the sexiness..though understand I dont fixate on the actors especially Robert Sean Leonard since his admiration for a certain actress but his character Neil..really grew on me, in a big, big way. I'd do Ethan Hawke any day of the week, he just became mind numblingly hot to me after Training Day and with all his perfect articulation in general and ..)

Good night and thank you Penn Halligan..you have articulated beautifully and dead on what I want and now I'm closer to knowing what I want.

Do As I Say by Penn Halligan is available from Noble Romance Publishing. "Mae Southall is an independent woman who is not above breaking the rules if it suits her. She relies on no one but herself. Sex is fine but on her terms. When she meets the darkly handsome and mysterious Rob, Mae learns that sexual submission has its benefits.


Robert Parker is Mae’s new boss. She just doesn’t realize it yet. He has a few rules of his own. The first one is that he’s in control when it comes to sex. Her mind may be her own but her body is his to do with as he wishes. He requires her total surrender to him."


"Mae longed for a strong man to take her in hand and make her do all the things she longed to do. As much as she needed and insisted on control in her life, she wanted someone to come along and yank that away from her. Mae craved someone strong to take her on. And there ain't no such man. What a shame. "Men are too predictable."

He smiled. "How so?"

"They want one thing." And right now, so did she. However, Mae knew the best she could hope for would be a date with 'old reliable'—her purple dildo—which she kept in her 'naughty' drawer by the bed. A few strokes, a bit of fantasizing over tall, dark and gorgeous, and she'd come like a porn star. Nowhere near what she needed, but she'd just have to settle.

"Sex."

"Yes." What would it be like to have his massive body cover mine? The words 'total possession' came to mind.

"Women withhold sex from men in order for the man to pursue them, to prove his worth. And yet when a woman gives in to pure lust and need and lets the man take her without any games, she tires of him because she wants more."

Yeah, that was pretty much dead-on."You know it all."

"I like to think so." He reached out his hand, his fingers clamped gently around her wrist. "You're fascinating.""


Another part that was dead on for me,

"I have nothing to say." Mae pulled away from him.

Robert wasn't about to give up that easily. In one swift move he grabbed Mae around the waist, hunched down and picked her up in a fireman's lift over his shoulder.

"Holy shit!" Mae clutched at this back, her head hanging down toward his ass. "Let me go."

"Shut up, Mae." As much as Robert loved her fighting spirit, he wanted her to understand and accept what they had together.

"You shut up!" She slapped her hand on his ass. He swatted her butt in return.

Robert needed somewhere quiet, away from prying eyes. He needed Mae to understand and accept what he had already concluded himself. They were meant for each other, destined to be together. The men's room was the first door he came to. Robert kicked it open.

"Oh yeah, this is very glamorous."

Few women made Robert smile as she did. He placed Mae on her feet and caught at the hand he instinctively knew she would use to slap him. He lifted her palm to his mouth and kissed it instead.

Mae's eyes went wide. "Um . . . ."

"Yes, baby?" He knew she was confused. That was understandable. He was feeling a little the same way. After he left Mae at the house he had walked for what seemed like miles, thinking about her and him and the possibilities.

"You used me!"

Strong women like Mae hated to feel manipulated. The problem was they could never see their strength demanded an equal strength in return. " (The best line I have ever read this far period).