Monday, 12 October 2009

It's not so much crippling fear if it has already crippled you.

Oh I just love the rainbows and fluffy kitten talk.

I think we all get nervous from time to time. It used to be this adrenaline rush and then slow down for it's not so much that. I KNOW what to expect because pretty much everyone's "worse nightmare" has happened to me. When I hear other people, I think , you were mortified by THAT? I still have genuine empathy for them but inside I'm also thinking least you know what your problem is and at least it's labelled and at least you have a hope of getting it sorted.

Have you ever had a panic attack (I used to have these, I don't anymore, don't ask how, I don't know) with someone looking at you straight in the eye and their mouth turned up in disgust? This wasn't some should know better bratty kid, this was a woman I would guess in her 40's.

My problem won't get sorted until 95 percent of the population is wiped out. Wow that sounds so harsh and extremist. But it's not anger I feel, just disappointment. I'm really sad I have to go through this at all. Go through what? If I told you, I'd get the response I know I don't talk about it. I just randomly blog about it of course.

Without actually being 100 percent honest. Well, I have my dignity, I accept a response once and not twice.

But I feel I'm actually crippled by what has happened and is happening. Oh of course I thank my lucky stars I can walk and talk and breathe and eat but one thing I've noticed is I'm less responsive to physical pain. Worryingly less. Cuts, blood, bangs, shoves; as they say "whatever."

Yet I've still managed to retain myself. I recover all the time. I'm still me but injured.

Anyway so I'm writing this because I'm going for this audition Monday and I know what's going to happen and I also know there may be unexpected things. But you know social situations..I have a very good idea of what happens. All I can do is be the best I can be. I want to be. I want to be a part of this play. I want to one day be one of the main characters in the play. Nerves? Yeah I'm sure I will get them. Stone cold fear? Perhaps that too. I know I will also put on a brave face and blush a lot and have a very dry mouth and perhaps stammer but I know my strengths. I have a lot of inner strength. I have a good speaking voice..even when slightly affected.

So all I can do is prove the words I read through strength and conviction. And I just need to remember this, and read this piece of crap again because this is me. I need to keep my voice strong like it used to be and can still be and straighten my body and care about what's on the page and the audience if I am given a few minutes to get to the point where I can block out the laughs, smirks and groans and memories of having things about my appearance being talked about ..well if I can work with the audience in some way..who knows in a away I feel like doing it now..come on bring it on..remember this speech I did? I was fucking great..and EVERYONE after their initial balking shut up and there was silence in the room and my English teacher complimented me to high heaven..

I don't know why I'm including my picture. Well this is me. No I don't have an eye defect, I am looking down. Webcams are tricky! Oh great now I'll get millions of offers from weirdos asking me to strip on cam...
I'm joking.
I don't have anything to hide REGARDLESS of what anyone says, tough, I'm here, look at me, deal with it. I don't hate myself wholly because I'm in love with aspects of life and yes some more blabbering bullshit, I have nothing but my desires to prove.

I WANT to do this. I would LOVE to be in the play.

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