..I feel MY writing is here because I am not doing. I mean I'm not a complete waste but today meant a lot to me actually and I couldn't do it. I couldn't even force myself because I didnt't feel up to it.
Before anyone says I have flogging tendencies, I can say for a fact that "didn't feel up to it" was never an option when I was at school.
My point; I have gone soft.
When I was at school, I HAD to do things. Because if I didn't, I would be in trouble with my parents, my teachers and at that time school was my world. If I went now I'd probably quit when the going got tough.
But at that time quitting would have been like death. Seriously. Suspension was literally a crime. To me. So I had to follow the rules and in turn I was pushed AND I was actually pushed subconsiously to follow what was inside of me to the extent that nerves did not get in the way.
I was doing things I did not like, don't talk about comfort zones because I didn't even know what that meant at that time. And I was doing things I liked.
I liked who I was back then. The girl who had her hand up first in class every time they asked someone to read out loud.
I had a lust for life. I had problems and I was unpopular but I had spirit back then.
It's not like anything that is happening to me now didn't happen whilst at school, sure perhaps being a child more leniency was allowed; I got away with being a weird child more than a weird adult but when I left my University course six, seven years ago, that's just it : six, seven years you'd think someone who talks about carpe diem and passion and lust would have done something crazy like I don't know go in search of inner peace and enlightenment or get romantically rejected by famous authors and actors!!...rather than just writing and writing and analysing and..yeah I mean I'd still write but at that time I was doing TOO.
At that time I was in an establishment, I didn't like it but I now wish I was still in one.
But like I say I have changed and so I now know leaving the establishment is an option. Therefore, I'm fucked, aren't I?
So I long for the naive person I was back then. Because she would have gone to the audition today and felt excited about it. Actually excited.
I can remember doing concerts at school, LOVING those evenings. I was the life of our little group. Now I'm the opposite.
My life happens in my writing. Everything else is just passing time. Something has to happen to stop this because this is a very sad state of affairs. I may as well be dead. No don't worry..but this is my way of telling someone please intervene. Anyone, please push me. Don't just encourage me, tell me I should live each day as if it were the last. Why should I live each day as if it were the last? Why is death something to be afraid of? I really need to know.
Fuck it, I have become complacent. I HATE complacency. I think it's a killer.