Monday, 19 October 2009

I know there should come a point where I stop writing and start doing

..I feel MY writing is here because I am not doing. I mean I'm not a complete waste but today meant a lot to me actually and I couldn't do it. I couldn't even force myself because I didnt't feel up to it.

Before anyone says I have flogging tendencies, I can say for a fact that "didn't feel up to it" was never an option when I was at school.

My point; I have gone soft.

When I was at school, I HAD to do things. Because if I didn't, I would be in trouble with my parents, my teachers and at that time school was my world. If I went now I'd probably quit when the going got tough.

But at that time quitting would have been like death. Seriously. Suspension was literally a crime. To me. So I had to follow the rules and in turn I was pushed AND I was actually pushed subconsiously to follow what was inside of me to the extent that nerves did not get in the way.

I was doing things I did not like, don't talk about comfort zones because I didn't even know what that meant at that time. And I was doing things I liked.

I liked who I was back then. The girl who had her hand up first in class every time they asked someone to read out loud.

I had a lust for life. I had problems and I was unpopular but I had spirit back then.

It's not like anything that is happening to me now didn't happen whilst at school, sure perhaps being a child more leniency was allowed; I got away with being a weird child more than a weird adult but when I left my University course six, seven years ago, that's just it : six, seven years you'd think someone who talks about carpe diem and passion and lust would have done something crazy like I don't know go in search of inner peace and enlightenment or get romantically rejected by famous authors and actors!!...rather than just writing and writing and analysing and..yeah I mean I'd still write but at that time I was doing TOO.

At that time I was in an establishment, I didn't like it but I now wish I was still in one.

But like I say I have changed and so I now know leaving the establishment is an option. Therefore, I'm fucked, aren't I?

So I long for the naive person I was back then. Because she would have gone to the audition today and felt excited about it. Actually excited.

I can remember doing concerts at school, LOVING those evenings. I was the life of our little group. Now I'm the opposite.

I am.

My life happens in my writing. Everything else is just passing time. Something has to happen to stop this because this is a very sad state of affairs. I may as well be dead. No don't worry..but this is my way of telling someone please intervene. Anyone, please push me. Don't just encourage me, tell me I should live each day as if it were the last. Why should I live each day as if it were the last? Why is death something to be afraid of? I really need to know.

Fuck it, I have become complacent. I HATE complacency. I think it's a killer.

1 comment:

  1. Where do you want to be pushed? I could tell you to get off your arse and go for what you want knowing that you could fail to get it – or you may just get it – you’ll never know until you try. That's life. It’s a crap shoot. You take a chance, gird your loins and give it a go. People may laugh or roll their eyes but fuck it – let ‘em. What do you care? It all comes down to taking a chance on yourself and no rules or regulations from anal societies like universities – yeah I went to Uni – are going to save you. They’re a way of hiding out the real world. The real world will always find you – you know that.

    When I read your words – articulate, well thought out words – I see a smart woman who has the ability to succeed. I get that you’re scared to take a chance. But if you hate complacency then spit it’s in its eye and do the thing that scares you the most. Life is short – be daring – scare yourself and others and take a chance. Go out and kick arse and defy anyone to question you. It’s disgustingly liberating.

    “Why is death something to be afraid of? I really need to know?” – It’s not – it’s a way of making people conform and be afraid of trying for fear of failure. You have more balls than that.