Speaking of Kink, today I was watching Secretary.

This is a movie I always come back to. So why I threw the stupid disc away is beyond me and my shit for brains. At that time.

Why? Why do I come back to this one?

I love the central performance. I really think Maggie Gyllenhaal is just perfect in this. I read that Gwyneth Paltrow was orginally cast. Now she is intense and intelligent but Maggie is RAW. I don't know which place she comes from in her roles but there is just something there that is exceptional and really just natural as if from a child, that kind of fearlessness.

I must have seen this movie 5 times and each time it's so beautiful. It's so romantic and brilliant. This young woman, really I see it as the story of this young woman. And I don't get to see that many women like her because something happens in a movie that let's me down (I have such weird expectations) where they are concerned but Lee Holloway is just so sexy. Really, you know sexy. Just full of LIFE. She's SO human. And Spader's character sees that in her even through her walls and shyness, he sees something that other people don't have despite their brashness.

That girl from the beginning I watched relating to her not fitting in, her sensitivity and her wanting to fit in somewhere and she learns that without compromising herself. From her telling us about the time she got caught cutting herself and was put into an instituition (I'm fond of instituition movies but the beauty in this one is what happens in the ever elusive AFTER), that she didn't know how she got caught because she had been cutting for years and we then see her metamorphisis. If ever that word applied, it's to her progression literally into this butterfly free with herself. Free with her will. Knowing what she wants. How much better can life get? Well of course you can get what you want but to just KNOW, I tell you I can relate to that one. That last shot of her looking at the camera facing it head on, eyes on us unwavering, confident posture, waving her love (as in the man!) goodbye as he goes to work, that shot is haunting.

Amazing.

First time I watched this movie I was overwhelmed. I wasn't into kink that much. I had read Erotica but it was from mainstream paperback novels. A lot of breast play. That I was into. Still am. Like that's ever going to go. But I had not read about spanking just the odd reference and it wasn't anything to give thought to. This movie changed that. When I saw Mr Grey her boss spank her arse hard for a typing error, this movie plays around; it's quite wicked and funny but you're laughing with it (that's the beauty, having fun with the genre, not mocking it- well, that's what I got) I was stunned. And I found it exciting. And romantic. It was all part of him paying attention to her. There lies the romance for me. You have to watch it with new eyes to get that because otherwise there's a fine line between showing your interest and giving attention to abusing that and the person.

Then second time I watched Secretary, I saw the central character more. And I'll call it a central performance though I know Spader gives as good as he gets. As always. Secretary is an empowering movie to me and now I watch it for that purpose; you go and get what you want. You don't deserve anything less. If you want to be spanked and leave your job and marry your boss, (seriously watch the movie before you start shouting at the non feminisism of my lazy summary), if you want to do all that, you should fucking well do that because it's what YOU WANT. That's really my goal. I have found that no matter how wrong or whatever it is, I'm going to do what I want. I'm going to indulge myself, and express myself and step over that line or whatever the term is, I'm going to go deep into the hot waters and get burned if I have to and when I want to and don't and drown..but I have to LIVE my life. I need to take the plunge. But I have all this inside of me and it has taken years of writing it, watching it, thinking about it.

So Secretary made me embrace kink. Kink. It deserves that capital. I found out Kink turns me on. I found it in the process I like submission and I like domination too. I found out I like spanking, to be spanked and to give them, to suck a man's cock, to eat another woman's pussy, to fuck a man's anal passage with my tits (I don't how that is possible but damn it I'll try!) and more recently sitting on his face whilst he eats me out obsessed with my flavour because it's from me..that turns me on.

After Secretary, some years later I watched Training Day (I'm sorry, you ARE hearing that story again) and that is a whole other lovely mess that got me into police men ..no just men..no HUMANS.. who are competent, passionate, have a soul and conscience and take risks. (I've always fancied- english slang for find attractive/want to make mind babies with- the pants of Ethan Hawke). And watching Secretary and reading Erotica and intense go for what you want Erotica, I don't care how stupid my crush is. I'll have others and know the realities of that crush, not expecting ANYTHING from it or any other crush just because it's "local." I'm going to and have been indulging in my crushes. This shit about of leagues, I NEVER even got that from the start, when I was young, I thought I was fabulous inside and that was all that mattered, that I was fresh and had this inside of me.

I want to talk about EVERYTHING. That is me; I fantasise and tell. And in doing that I've noticed my typing has improved, I'm more articulate and the writing in my stories is slowly, slowly improving too. I know my faults including faulting myself wrongly at times..I can't see when I do that but I know I am capable of it. I don't hate myself for being human. That's a big thing with me; I must be myself. No matter how much trouble I get and the mocking and the whole appearance mocking thing, I just am happy with myself for having this inside of me. Now, I want to work on getting that out. Not to change how I look though I like to make the best of myself and I want to now do it only for me and not to stop anyone judging or mocking but to just be free in my movements and face. Do you know how long it has taken to me to see me? To see when someone when someone says you are beautiful or pretty. It's still embarassing but I don't put the more bad comments before the lesser good ones anymore.

And I still get nervous, that maybe won't ever change but I'm one person with people who really know me or in a particular space/environment and one person outside that and outside my comfort zone. These two extremes are meeting in the middle. I think, like Lee in my search for me, I'm changing too. And who cares if that is self involved! Man, I help people and I want to but I HAVE to know me too. I have to help myself.

So now I need to audition. I need to do this despite my fear. My fear of what? fucking up? No. Just the people there. Ha! JUST. Well, like it or lump it, I used to take risks so many actually at school and I got results. So who's to say I won't be good again. Or I'll be bad, DIRE, but at least I tried. At least I would have done it.

Then I go to a bondage club. I want in. I want to join. That is scarier than the audition, the intimacy, I'm going to blush so much it won't be pretty but I'm doing it because I want it so bad. Make sure you remind me of this constantly because I need a push.