Sometime ago, I had some problem in trying to exist in a world that goes one way whilst I go the other. But to survive one needs to meet half way. I have tried to keep a hold on myself whilst keeping myself. By hold on myself I mean that I'm not an excessively flighty person, I AM a realist but when it comes to somethings, it looks like music, dreams and words have influenced my heart. I was reading about casual sex and about men and women. Whilst this did not come up in the discussion, I come back to men and women being different. You know, I have a problem with that. I suppose it's because it makes me feel alienated. I don't have a problem with not fitting in or feeling isolated ..I think that has made me stronger and made me know what I want which is important, I think it's important to figure yourself out (sure, to some extent).
But the biggest problem is how men approach sex compared to women. And if a man can't love like a woman. "Women are more attracted to the person they love and men fall more in love with the person they are attracted to." Oh, that's cruel. I saw the truth in that. Aren't all men different enough to not fit into one category like that, though? And what about women?
I also would like to think about romance, I'd like to think it goes appreciated just as much by both sexes. And that if a man is in love with a woman, he'd light candles for her in a heartbeat. I've come to realise that actually that more than gesture is quite important. I believe in romance.
I believe in casual sex. I believe in two people just wanting to fuck. Or needing to fuck.
I believe in two people attracted to each other and wanting to sleep with each other.
I believe in two people who want to wait and then have sex with each other. And neither of them cheat.
I believe in two people and one or both of them changing during their relationship on whatever level with that other person. That a person can change you. And/or love can.
It's okay if two of the above are not really true..I can live with that, happy to know the truth rather than being deluded. Give me the truth anyday.
But, all I know is if say I had sex with somebody, I'd want them to know me and to know me sexually too, different things in my book. I'd want the talk afterwards. Unless I was angry or hurt- but then'd I'd still want the afterwards. I wouldn't force myself on them and I'd keep my expectations and dreamy fantasies to myself, but I'd treasure what we had even if it was brief. I want to see the meaning. I see that anyway. It can be just pure lust, sometimes when I'm ..put it bluntly..really horny, I think of having a stranger fuck me. It's weird though because I usually think of it in terms of someone I have a crush on is watching that. I can't not associate sex with something deeper in even my dirtiest fantasies. And some of them have involved extreme filth, but I always call that person's name and imagine their face.
Sometimes I think they should put that on the personal ads..you know what you look for in bed..and if you are looking for that. But then, it's not a route I'd go on myself. Love and I do not need to exist together. I have a great love for life and lust and that is what makes me not go looking for it in a person. In some people, that is what makes them go looking.
I'm a little naive and young. But I also have patience and strength and a maturity which you get when you have to be independant; a lot of it is learning, you pick it up.
I also sometimes just want to listen to music and imagine romance. I have images in my mind, romantic images. But I enjoy both music and romance.