"Hey, Mel.." She woke from her sleep, feeling his touch on her bare leg.
When she opened her eyes, she saw his face. It was beautiful. Not arch angel beautiful, no porcelain perfection but just gorgeous, alive, wise and strong.
And now he was sitting on his bed which she had fallen asleep on, not a stitch of clothing on him or her in the middle of Autumn. It was dark in the room and she could still see his hand, belonging to her calf, it would miss his hand, it wasn't complete without it. Despite the fact they needed to talk, knowing he was downstairs, she slept just knowing he was under the same roof as her.
"We should talk." Mike said.
"Yes." This was not the first time their hands would reach for each other and not the first time that broke her heart.
"So..you first." She told him.
She could get lost completely with his hand on her...
"What?" She replied.
For some reason, and she knew what it was, Mel felt a prick of anger when he laughed looking at her face.
She tried to let go of his hand but he had an iron grip on it.
She just stared at him. Angry. And in love.
Well you should be, this isn't funny. She WANTED to say that. But she melted at his apology. No, she didn't melt, she just thought she'd hear him out.
"I love you." He said.
Nodding her head, she wondered what would follow..
"I need to work through this thing."
"Don't say on your own."
He looked at her.
"You're FUCKING kidding me."
"Let go. I said let go of my hand."
"Jeez..this is such horse shit. I sleep in your bed NAKED waiting for you to come here, waiting for you to love me and you just don't even know me."
"Stop, Mel, stop right there." He placed his hand over her mouth.
Real mature she spoke against it.
"What's with YOU Melanie?"
She raised her brows at him. Then he took his hand of her mouth, the kindness of him.
"You know what's wrong?"
"I THINK I do. Why don't you tell me?"
"Why because then we wouldn't have to talk about you? Don't think I haven't noticed." She muttered spitefully.
"Really? So, some people just aren't so open.."
"So what are you going to do Mike..act all broody and shit and distance yourself from me. I dare you to break up with me and then come to me 5 days later and tell me word for word why you did it. I DARE you."
"Don't talk like that. You're not a brat Mel, don't act like this. This isn't you."
"What if it is? Let's say for arguments sake a girl hasn't slept for a week, stuffed herself with food all in the name of comfort and gone without her man for 7 whole days at least. Don't you think that would make her a little bratty? Not all of us are so..polite. Michael." She spat in his face.
He kissed her so passsionately then, she almost came. She wanted to pull away because he was being the brat but..dear lord it was Mike. Mike's lips taking hers, his tongue not giving hers any rest. He wasn't playing with her lips now, he wasn't exploring them, he was just..oh WOW doing that and so much more..
He broke off and they both gasped. "Where'd you learn to kiss like that?" Mel couldnt help but ask him longingly as he pinned her to the bed.
His mouth quirked up. He have her a crooked smile.
She smiled back. "Like this is over." She scoffed.
"No, it's far from over. And just to make it clear Melanie Hawes, I am NOT breaking up with you not now, not in the near future.
"Let me when you do decide darling."
He just shook his head at her.
"I just don't get you. You can give yourself so completely in bed, I'll test you and then you'll lose control but you can't talk to me about it. I feel like I'm a problem for your problem..
..Just hold me, damn it." She sat up and lay her head on his chest.
"I'm sorry sweetheart" he whispered to her as he wrapped his arms around her. "I want to give you all of me..I'm trying."
"Baby, I have a problem, but you're not to take on any of that responsibility. How can you not, right? I just.. can you just do me one thing; accept that I have this and one day I WILL get through this."
"Just not on your own"..She interrupted.
"I have to on my own. I mean I'll be doing the work. I don't want you to feel my pain.."
"You feel pain?"
"Okay" He gave out a sound. A wounded sound, a sigh, worse than that, it was the worst strangled sound she heard.
"Someone hurt me in the past." He whispered.
"Oh." This had never happened to her. Because she never let anyone in. Because she'd been a loner. Because despite her openness, she felt her heart tear and no words other than "oh" come to her when he told her this.
"I'm sorry. " She kissed his chest. His heart was beating so fast. She just hugged him. She didn't want to force him.
"I love you." She said looking up into his eyes.
He smiled, watery, honest eyes.
When he opened his mouth, she kissed him. "Please..if it tears you apart, you don't need to tell me. But if you need to, I'll hold you I promise."
They lay down on the bed, and he never let go of her body, his arms completely cradling her.
"You waited for me." His eyes shone in the dark. "You waited it out. You were scared and you did it. I have to be honest with you, I have to tell you."
Okay she nodded.
"When I was training to be a police man, I worked under this man who was somewhat of a maverick. He definetely took risks. One of the risks involved 5 people dying. Not one, five." Michael's broken voice was a ragged whisper.
"I let him do that. I could have stepped in..but I let him and then I almost killed a man myself. I was so STUPID."
Kissing his chest she waited for him to continue, hearing his heart.
"I trusted him. You know? I thought that what he really wants to do his bring justice. He just does things differently. I thought he cared...
..But he was a danger to the community., himself and he could have brought down the whole police force."
She felt Mike shake a little.
"No. I don't know what happened. To this day, the events are hazy at best. I just remember I pulled up in my car and pointed a gun to his face. I shot him, Mel. At that moment, I pulled the trigger and I fucking lost any integrity, any control, that I am supposed to have as a police man. I shot my boss near his heart...
..I quit my job the next day but that guy was locked up. His wife, his child are not going to see him for a long time. That's because of me. Because I couldn't stop my stupid pride and I had to confront him. I'm such a horseshit snitch."
"No you're not!"
"Yeah I am. I could have done this through the police force."
"The hell you could!"
"I should have...You know, people like me..we're in control otherwise but when it comes down to it..panic."
"Your logic and observations of yourself, Mr Stevens leaves a lot to be desired. But you're not stupid. And you're not a snitch. And you are most deinitely not horse shit. You're the best man I know and if you feel you did things the wrong way, you felt at that time and you did things according to your feelings. If you didn't confront him, your community would have suffered. I know, I know five men got killed but you did what you thought was best. Plus, he took advantage of you! So you have to move on, baby. I know it's not easy and it must cause you many, many nightmares..but you have to move on. You just have to. And now you have me, so.."
"So..move on. With me. I don't know how to explain it. I'm not being blase. I just want you to move on with your life to survive.. You're here, do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah. yes I know."
"So you have to live..
..I still have to go to my first therapy appointment..Why dont you come with me?..
You dont have to talk just be there in that environment.."
I'm not making that about me."
"But this is."
"I'm not sure if I want to lose control with you though. I don't know how far I'd go."
"I want to know. I want you to know...
If you hurt me unintentonally I'd still love you." And as un PC as that was, she would. Lock her up, throw away the key she was certifiable at the very least.
"Any thing else you want to tell me, my therapy patient?" She put on a voice.
"No" He laughed.. it was more a bark of laughter. She thought he may need it.
"Well..if you think of anything, tell me right after you ravage my breasts."