Monday, 19 July 2010

Hate between the sexes. Do men hate women? Do women hate men? Do I hate men? Do they hate me?

It started off as an innocent enough search. I was watching some sex documentaries, oh come on they're fun AND you get to learn something (well actually you don't), and then I got to searching for Bettie Page. Then I somehow got onto "So right it's wrong.Conservative women I'd like to hate fuck." Anyone seen this list? Apparently Playboy published it and then took it away from their website. The idea of this list shocks me. Hate fuck. That phrase..

I mean I've heard anger sex but the way women are referred to in this list, words and sentences like her eyes are batshit crazy or you'd be better off sucking so and so and she's pregnant she stays pregnant, Karma's a bitch.

I'm not likening this list to Maxim's one where they list women they find ugly. I also don't think that putting a spotlight on women with big breasts is the same as this hate fuck list. But I do wonder, do men hate women? Do women hate men? Like, in general? I see the bigger picture. A douche is a douche no matter their sex but I don't trust men. I think they are superficial. There I said it. More superficial than women. I think their "superificial-ness" is something they use more than women, it's more relevant in their day to day life. I will hold up my hands and say there are exceptions but that's my general view of men. I don't hate men though.

The thing is when a man hates a woman, he can rape her. When a women hates a man, she can date rape him, or she can be violent but a man can straight away stick his dick into a woman without consent and ...

I have a reason for my mistrust in men. I have a history with men. I think some women do. A different history to mine and mine is no where near extreme or violent. And just to clarify I haven't been raped. If I didn't have that history, I would still think men are superficial on the whole as a gender but I would be more open to accept that's not the case.

Some women like my mum have been good friends with men and also been seen as sexually attractive to men. When I asked my mum once, why are men aggressive, like when standing up for someone, they can willingly call a woman a cunt, or they bellow when they shout, or get angry quickly, not that women don't but I've seen this more in men, she said it's testosterone. But that also works in good ways. I told her I didn't like this testosterone thing much.

Now I can only speak as a woman. Obviously. If you're a man you will probably hate me for writing this. If you're a woman you might too. But in writing this, I feel I should be honest about me too, my feelings.

So if a man and woman walks into the room, I will more likely make eye contact with the woman. I will trust the woman more. Unless the man smiles at me, if a human regardless of their gender smiles at me, I will make eye contact with them because I like politeness and humanity. But if none of them smile initially, it will be the woman whom I make friends with. This is based on my experience with men and my opinions.

Honestly, do I hate men? A little yes. Why? Because of some of my experiences. I don't feel all men are the same but I can't trust a man face to face. If I'm not shy around them, I will be uncomfortable around them whereas with women, I don't have this at all.

I know men don't hate me. I think some women and men say they do but I know they think of me, if that, as something that bugs. I could imagine being attacked by a man though. I think in a moment, he could become angry with me even if I said nothing at all.

But to hate fuck? NO.

There is a side to me that has a use me, fuck me and then leave me alone thing. This applies to random strange men. Not ones I have befriended to any extent. It would serve, in my mind, as a catharsis.

And yes the odd time I have "imagined" rape. Again, a catharsis. Wound me physically to this extent so the damage some humans have done to me emotionally is ..I don't know, balanced? Or shows. Because emotional damage on a woman that doesn't have a fragile's like even if my body is thin, I'm seen as sturdy. Hurt me because I can take it- I feel that's how others see me. No one has ever said don't pick on her.

It's either that, or they don't care. They know I'm hurting but that doesn't matter.

But despite it all, I can have a normal relationship. I can be so giving and in love. I'm generous in sex. I don't want to please men. I have my own needs to please. Photos you see of me are because of ME. I'm an exhibitionist. My point about relationships, is I like the man I am in a relationship with. I love certain men, I really like certain men. It's the human in them. I can recognise it but I won't trust the MAN fully. I feel I can't.

I read a quote about Bettie Page. "Her pose and smile said come play with me. Not use me or degrade me."

I believe in that quote entirely. I don't think men hated her. I think they loved her. Not just felt lust for her but I think they trusted her as a woman. She was a man's woman. Not just a sex symbol. Am I wrong? I actually ask that question by the way!

The bondage I felt was not out of a man wanting to hate fuck her. Or what I think is seperate to a hate fuck unless it's taken further, rape her. It was simply for the reason I want to get spanked. It's enjoyable.

So, I don't have any answers. I can go round in circles. I'll come to a close here. It's not easy bringing this up. I don't enjoy the fact it will anger people but like I say I do have to wonder. I have to wonder about how objectifying women that affects hate between the sexes. I have to wonder about status, values, religion, class, culture, experience, personality, personal rape...all these things in our life affecting hate between the sexes. Do you hate men? Do you hate women? Do you think men and women hate each other?

And one more thing, do men get angered by women who aren't submissive in their natures? If they are submissive in the bedroom, when you see a woman taking charge, what do you really feel?


  1. Can you explain to me what you mean by nothing? Is what I have written nothing? Or do you mean there is nothing between the sexes? Be honest.

  2. Hi, K,

    You brought this up months ago, and perhaps you're past it, but I was wandering the Internet and happened upon your post and I would like to comment on it. I am a twenty four year-old man.

    For whatever it may or may not be worth, I would like to share my personal experience with you. Growing up, my mother was dominating, violent, abusive, and neglectful. My father was entirely absent; he had left when I was quite young. So there was nothing to stand between me and my mother, and I found myself trying in many different ways to convince her to treat me as she should - that is to say, to love me. Needless to say I failed. Now that I am a little older, I can practice more detachment in thinking of my mother, and I am able to see how utterly destroyed she is within herself, and this of course is the reason she could not love me.

    My point in bringing this out is that my relationship with my mother powerfully affected my view of all women. I came to see women as powerful, dominating, untrustworthy, and utterly indifferent to my needs. I was terrified of them. I can't tell you how many times I was surprised to see this reality express itself in the way I responded to the women in my life. My last girlfriend, for example, before breaking up with me, asked, "Will you never trust me?" I had no idea how little I really did trust her (not that I should have, in retrospect - but I did not have this wisdom at the time, and my distrust had little to do with her in reality). Gradually, however, and not without much pain, I have come to realize that women in general are not the problem; my relationship with my mother was the problem, and so was the absence of my father. It has been a relief to realize women are human, too, and there are, accordingly, good women, bad women, and everything in between. There are women who will treat me with respect, take my needs into consideration, and, in some cases, even love me. There are also women who would treat me terribly. As I continue to work on forgiving my mother, I am better able to entrust my humanity to my close female friends, and likewise, I am better able to acknowledge and understand their humanity. I can't tell you what peace this brings me. Women are not some evil, abstract, enormous force bent on destroying me; it sounds absurd to say it, and of course it is; but this is exactly what I believed during most of my life. Happily, however, it is possible, I now know, for a man and woman to enjoy a healthy, trusting, mutually respectful, and loving relationship, one that can endure for the rest of their lives.

  3. So when you say, K, that you hate men, and wonder whether all men hate you, well - it does not surprise me that you also mention that some men have hurt you, and I suspect they have hurt you very deeply. Perhaps I am projecting, but it sounds like there is a lot of pain, anxiety, and confusion underneath this post. The bottom line sounds like a profound experience of betrayal. I am a complete stranger to you, but if I may be so bold, is it possible there is a deep root to the questions you are asking here? If there is, healing is possible.

    And if my words may be any consolation to you at all, then let me assure that men do not categorically hate you. There are men out there, as I hope you have already found, who will treat you with sincere respect, kindness, and understanding. And as you are obviously well aware, there are men out there who are utterly unworthy of your trust, such as the men who want to "hate fuck" conservative women. Such a violent and complete lack of respect for women is wrong and disturbing. In the end, however, such men can only do so much to impede your happiness. You are free to live your life as you please, and they - they are the ones who choose misery on a deep level it seems they scarcely know how to access.

    All in all, I do believe there is ample hatred between the sexes, though there is also love, peace, respect, and understanding. The best we can do, I believe, is to explore and root out the hatred and injustice in our own hearts, forgive the injustices we receive, and resolve always to treat one another, man or woman, with kindness, patience, and respect. Each time we do so we bring about a small victory in a dark and confused world.

  4. Oh - one more thing - I wrote about this very topic in my journal. If you're interested, you can read it here:

    My views of this matter are deeply interwoven with my perspective as a Catholic, but even if you are not a Catholic, or a Christian of any kind, I think the final point of the entry is useful. I leave you to be the judge.