I thought about keeping a diary of my emotions. I thought it would help me differentiate between the noise, the memories that were no good to remember combined with bad thoughts and feelings, and the positive inside of me and outside in the world. I think writing this is clearing my head already. The thing is there is a rush of feeling, like I want to let out all this emotion but I just don't want to cry. Again.
Something changed tonight, something really big happened in my life.
I'm writing this early hours of the morning. I couldn't sleep but I remember before going to sleep, I felt so happy and loved. I woke with a jolt from that. It's not that I don't deserve to be happy and I will keep fighting for that, to know there's a part of me that does believe I'm worth it, that I was worth what happened tonight, I still can't believe it, even if the rest of me says well look around, who in their right mind would choose you as their loved on, mother, daughter, relationships, siblings, who would CHOOSE YOU.
The fact is, I'm not able to trust yet. But all the put downs, the bullying and the rubbish, every bit of the negative is making me fight to give as much as I can. Give what? Love.
Mel's diary entry, Slowburn.