So I have been thinking, thinking, thinking even more than I usually do. I questioned myself a lot, brought a lot of stuff up.
I asked myself, am I only swept away by a good book?
Do I just want something exciting, a possibility of that?
Can I imagine myself doing what a sub does? The rules vary, I know.
Do I want to be submissive in this relationship?
Just because something affects you to the extent you're having dreams about it and crying, doesn't mean it's for you.
Am I only into kink?
Well, to answer those, and to quite frankly say out loud I want to submit to a dominant because that's what I WANT and NEED, here are my reasons,
I was jealous when I read the book. First I was suprised that actually I wanted what Emily has. Then I realised well she lucked out and that the book in a way is kind of an extension of the deepest, truest themes in romance. To me, that's how I feel anyway. Sure, it's not conventional. The fact it isn't conventional, I questioned myself on that, is that why I'm into it too? No, I want to be pushed. I want the fear. I want a man who pushes me, who excites me, and perhaps makes me fear him on some level, I want a man like this in my life. Do I just want a man in my life? Whilst I can't deny that a man would be good, I do know that a simple relationship when it comes to me is going to turn kinky. As quoted from the author, I want domination, not the illusion.
Whilst it's certainly something different, it overwhelms me. The fact that it's differnt and the fact it's actually becoming so clear that is what I must do. I felt excited when I took photos of myself but with this, it goes further, not because it involves another person, or perhaps more we shall see, but because it's something that's in me and I'm very clear about it now. Knowing what I want is not exciting, it's something else. It fills me with other emotions that I can't quite explain straightaway.
I won't be involved with someone who is into minors, grandmas for the sake of it. I will say that I think I like humiliation. I will say that I'm on the fence about pain. I want to be spanked silly but I don't know if the pain will turn me on even though the idea and concept and thoughts behind it, are so arousing to me. Today my shoes were not comfortable and I liked that they made me taller , yes it's wrong (but I stand out more) and a part of me liked that they weren't comfortable. I'm not sure if I will submit to just any man or a man whom I have a bond with. If you ask me, I think I do want attention. I think that book affected me also because the hero paid her so much attention, but I am shy and I am introverted. Though I do know that sometimes I will smile the widest and laugh the loudest and that's because I love myself in that moment, I'm on a buzz in that moment. I'm not comfortable but that buzz is there. Yes push me, use me, humiliate me, disgust me, I want to try my best. This isn't a subject to pass, this is me I don't know really being pushed, but also having that interaction which despite my shyness, I need.
Punishing a man physically, by teasing, though... I can't forget that entirely. Do I "only" want to submit? For the most part.
I cried because I realised this is what I want and how much I want it. I don't know if my reasons are right but I do know I must go after this. I'm scared and it's no adrenaline buzz for me in the idea itself but I need to do this.
Am I only into kink? No. But I must have it in my life to some extent. The problem is I don't just want the illusion and is role play enough for me? Will I put this before love? I really do not know.
A while ago I wrote a story called Nice Guy. I've yet to write after the point where we get the impression she wants him to rape her. When I started writing erotica, I was deprived but I also wrote about not coming, being pushed and there's a lot of spanking- but when it comes down to it, a spank can be different to punishment and I think I really want the punishment.
To be under someone's thumb. I think actually yeah. To be repressed? Am I saying that soon I will have no problem with arranged marriages? No. And I think being repressed is something else,I think that's when you do what others want and not because inside, you're getting off on it but there will be a line which can blur, are you getting off on it because he wants it? Or someone else wants it?
Books are different. Reality is not glamourous. But I don't want glamour. I've thought about being dragged around someone's basement flat on a leash and I'm even wanting to see how I would feel like that. Like, I need to know. I need to experience. I didn't think I would want to but I do. So glamour is not important and people talk about looks, not valid either to me. I do like reading about dominant men who are control of their bodies however and I like to be in controlof my own, I'm just now wondering if that's what I like and not men being in control too? I can't deny seeing strong muscles doesn't turn me on but I know that won't make me be a sub.
Love isn't this force. It's a bunch of feelings and a whole load of protection. It may feel like a force but there's no thunder bolt though it can be dramatic at times. Love..let me see in the future if that's more important that submitting in itself to a dominant. Not that that can't turn into true love in some way, but I know that I am someone who is independant in my spirit too. Meaning, I don't need love for the sake of it, though not denying it's not nice. I'd just rather have powerful over nice for now at least.
I'd like to go into the bdsm lifestyle. I can imagine being ignored there also but I have to do it, not to try but because I want to go into this lifestyle. Lifestyle. Yes, that's what I want. Meaning I don't just want the illusion of dominance. I want to be dominated.
Sorry that was more than five I know and also another thing -I have a mouth and temper on me.