My fantasy at the moment is to have someone walk all over me. I'm not talking arousal via motion or some woman squishing a skinny man to death, I mean one of my fantasies and perhaps what I am looking for period, is to have a male walk all over me. If it leaves me broken, hurt, torn, murdered inside, then I will have that but I want that thrill. I want a very strong character to dominate me. Sexually and in another way. This is disturbing and more so because in my life I have had to deal with bullying. Don't go all Sigmund Freud over me, I don't need an analysis or a why. It wouldn't make any difference, I don't want my mind to change, I want my fantasy to come true.
To be one of those females beautifully submitting to a guy. But it turns nasty. I'm not talking Ted Bundy nasty. Just someone rough but in an elegant way. Perhaps a strategist. More brain than brawn. The highway man who ties the damsel in distress to the train track. Except I'm no damsel in distress. I'm a potty thinker, mumsily dressed, sweet mouthed woman. Use me and abuse me. Do you think I should just join a club and get whipped every Friday night? (Oh yes please.)
Heaven forbid I should voice all my thoughts, spill all my secrets. Us woman are supposed to have "mystery." ! I'm not a cliche. Do I want a cliche? Ultimately, no. And I won't go for the motorbike reading bad boy.. I find them majorly creepy. I'll even settle for a good man..and yes I would be lowering my "standards" if I went for a good egg.. who has this sexy streak in a viscious way. The thing of it is, I don't want a pushover even if I want to be pushed over. Or pushed around - the more politically incorrect the better. I want someone different.
Part of me is disappointed when I read of the world weary and knowing "Master DOM" who sees this sweet submissive and then talks about the difference between submission and bullying.
On a tangent, I read a story where a man and woman get together and their first sexual encounter does not quite work. And I found it beautiful to read someone not knowing what to do, or to cry, or to be confused and be very very patient.
But whilst that is beautiful, I'll continue with my sadistic little post. Do I want one of my old school bullies to fuck me? NO they're pushovers and not strong at all. I don't want them. I can't pin someone whom I've encountered who I do want, though.
I don't want to tame a bad boy. Part of me likes the -impatience with other people but patience in some way with myself -part in some bad boys but I'm not looking for the romantic type.
You've lost any respect you had for me, I know. And you hate this part of me or just the whole me. But I have to be honest. And I still believe in feminism and equal rights and I still detest the real Belle du Jour woman; you're thinking how I can still believe in these things and talk and call me a hypocrite. I don't know. I don't know how to explain it properly. Or perhaps I do and I have and I just have these wildly different sides. I have this need and I have to share it. I don't think my life will change if I do. But I have to know what I want. Typing it helps. Typing it in a public space; perhaps I have an exhibitionist streak...amongst my pathetic ones. And yes call me pathetic, perhaps it could even turn me on. But you know, it's all in the actions. Don't talk the talk and put on an act. I don't even want role play. I want the whole walk right over me real deal.
Heartbreak and soul kill, here I come.
It's always glamourous to have someone else tell you the tale. The story of the woman who has come from a girl to a sexually evolved woman whose eyes meet with those of a man responsible for that but he is no longer with her. And him still with his new girlfriend but fucking this woman. It's not that he can't resist, that I find attractive..and this story touched on part of what I want, not all.