Crushes.

I have always had it implied I should play down a crush I have on someone or better still not have it at all.

I think if you haven't got honesty or communication, you haven't got shit.

Whilst I don't join my name with the person I have a crush on or have fantasies we will get married and have tons of babies, never have done never will, I do in my honesty say from time to time when prompted, that I would gladly have a one nightstand with them. Whether it was a crush from school, I said it at the time, I'd give them a blow job in a heartbeat, I actually would, or a crush in my adult years, it's still the same intensity. Which is intense. They are part of the person I am in some way; they influence me in some way. I'm an excellent stalker and observer. I can also get over a crush and get back to it again. I can also know that my fantasies are just that, fantasies and that the intensity of my crush does not mean we are destined to spend a night together. And I don't believe in destiny but I do believe in the other person's will. In no way will it be a forced "seduction", I will make sure they feel intensely about me too. I'm very perceptive. Perception, observation of people is all I have and what I have.

And I talk about it. At every given opportunity will I make my feelings known even to them and let it be known I am not afraid of anyone's opinion of me and my crush or their own opinion of me.

It will be in every writing and their voice, face, actions, expressions are there too.

I have a crush on someone working in a pharmacy. I told one person about this. Today, no matter what and despite it all, I saw someone who from the corner of my eye I thought might be him and my heart skipped. I looked and it was not him but I looked at the person who resembled him in some way.

I also have a crush on someone who doesn't work in a pharmacy. This is more the one night stand thing; I don't know him and have never seen him offscreen. You know who it is. I won't say the name out of shyness more than embarassment. I like his voice, his depth, his lips and his arms.

The crush in the pharmacy could be married for all I know. Like that matters to me. When I think about it, the more determined I am despite my shyness and experiences with certain men and bitchy women and bitchy men, to make it known that sexually I'd do anything for and with him. Only if he liked me though. And that is not empowering. It's just the way it is.

And it's not because he's local, his being here is something that doesn't keep me alive or have as a last straw in any way, rather it's just his face I liked. I think about him and I hope if I ever see him again and he's walking with say a tall skinny blonde or maybe he's gay..this pharmacy guy..I hope that he looks at me because I, trust me, always look and make it known I'm looking. I have no shame. But if he is gay..can't he be bi..just for me! The things I would let him do to me.

It has now come to me that maybe this rude guy..this other one i "encountered" was him, i doubt it but if it was and i seriously doubt it, fuck him. But if it wasn't then yeah I'd like to fuck him.