Knowing. Accepting. Moving on.
It happens every day. Something that implies I am just not good enough.
I like to do the best I can. I think this applies to a fair few human beings. Some want to be the best but some want to do the best they can do.
Appearance wise- I never knew how much my appearance will affect my daily life and as a result of being bullied 20 years I don't have the confidence for the right eye contact skills and am patronised in my work. I am doing my best. One embarassing situation - I have seen it seems for them more so than me -makes me think I can put it right on the next one. I will one day.
I have what I have. And I don't have what I don't have. It is clear that my round face, dark eyebrows, my hair the way it is not good enough when it comes to sexual attraction or status. You may question what I'm saying but I KNOW. And you will as a reader have to have enough faith in me to listen and take it on board even if it defies what YOU see. And you will ask why this is important to me, I'll say it's not and ask why you didn't read the paragraph above this one properly. Or did you just not get it? I'm sorry if I sound rude.
But I can not change my face unless I go through something drastic. I have the seen the glances at my legs and then when reaching my face, the looks away. It used to be my breasts before, as if that is all I have going on. I have seen the looks bang between my eyes as a way of intimidation by men and women. I have been banged in the arm and bag knocked off my shoulder without even consideration to know that I am not according to some people worth the consideration. I have heard the sounds of annoyance when having to move around me heaven forbid - I am a small girl and I have eyes, I know it's not lack of space that annoys them, rather me.
I know the men who are attracted to me, they seem to fit a pattern; African men or white, short men with no hair or short or older Indian men. I know the ones who don't fit this pattern look straight to my friends, sister or mother. This has always been. And I know the men I have been attracted to became attracted to me but were initially not so or embarassed that they were. I saw the signs- of attraction, of embarassment. And I know any man I am attracted to now I can't ever hope for that attraction to be reciprocated unless they get to know me. And that is not good enough for me.
It has been made very clear. The patronising- I don't always acknowledge it in public but I know when I see or experience it. I know that if I do acknowledge it, it makes absolutely no difference. And that is what hurts. That my personality; my words and my eye contact is not even good enough to have any effect.
Yet, knowing that I am not good enough I move on forward. I can relate to male characters in movies. I find inspiration mostly from male characters in movies (and one female from Memoirs of a Geisha- just for her strength as a human being). I see the news and I read a lot fact, fiction and after I realistically think back to what happens to me daily, I take on some of the spirit that was shown in Master and Commander, laugh all you want - who do you take on- Jordan?! - and I say fuck you, you have ruined my innocence, my naiveity, my wishes, my dreams, ever thinking I could have some part of glamour in my life, knowing that when I wear lipstick and jewllery, you mock, but you have not ruined ME. You've made me stronger because I need to be. My spirit may crumble, I may not always conquer but I will survive. My ambition hasn't lessened. And my sexual desires, needs and wants are stronger than ever despite my lack of belief in my own sexuality; it's weak. Despite my low self confidence I have no problem in feeling sexy, in exploring myself, in knowing my mind.