Mostly my dreams are strange and random. Not epic, just very weird, very much a mix of things. I don't analyse them for that reason but I had a dream last night which involved Slow Burn and Lulu. It was implied that I sold copies. Doesn't it sound like I am some egotistical ambitious first time author who REALLY wants her book to sell? At least just one copy! (Maybe I don't get informed if my book sells a copy).
I didn't think I would sell more than one copy when I self published last week. And I'm not so naive as to think one person is going to read the book and spread the word on the internet. I didn't write Comfort Food, my book is not as good, hey I know what I wrote, but when I sent out invitations to my page on facebook (I know, I know) which I did to promote the book, and I got people liking the page, I know some of it is out of the fact I am a facebook friend and these people are happy for me, but I wonder what it's going to take for someone to click on the links on that page and click buy.
I'm perfectly happy in being honest about my feelings on this. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a slap in the face to have a book out there just not selling, but it defeats the purpose. You see, I want someone to read my book. I write as a hobby but I don't self publish as a hobby. To be frank, far from it.
I loved seeing my book in a simple book format, the cover of the book is very basic and not a cover I would chosen, it was an automated cover but just seeing my story all put together and to be read like a book, I was a little proud of the work and time I put in.
I'm still going to write, I'm still proud of what I wrote and what I write now, the differences and the improvements I have yet to accomplish because I know my strengths and weaknesses but I have had people compliment my writing and saying I SHOULD publish, in particular Slow burn, to which I have always said meh and now I know there is not much point in publishing, sure I haven't given up on the fact Slow Burn may sell one copy by this time next year, and even the fact that it may one day build a reputation..but I'm also cynical. A bit bitter. Mills and Boon, big companies, they have a formula, I was once hoping to publish under them because I bought my Erotica from them and I feel proud of what they did for me.. but I felt there were too many guidelines. I had to tweak my work too much. And I know typing that on here means I will never get to publish for them but I'm not in this to make money. As naive and idealistic as that sounds, I'm not about making money. And I can add that I just want to change things but in the world we live in, people will just laugh at that. That's fine but I will always be honest and I believe in submitting my thoughts onto this blog, I don't have a problem in the world knowing things about me, especially when it comes to a minor heartbreak I'm going through at the moment, as trite as it sounds.
It's the fact that when I write, I want to be read, you know? And it seems like it's okay to have it up free on my blog which makes my blog feel cheap, you can compliment me on a post or send me a message but you can't buy my book, that sort of thing, that's what is running through my mind.
I will keep writing because part of the reason I don't want to change my books to fit in with the guidelines of some publishing companies is that I don't believe in the stories they are selling and I don't believe in giving the readers what they want. I believe in putting something out there that's inside you- and then going from there. That's my main motivation for writing and since I started, it's been about just being honest, not selling out or buying into one idea or selling it- one hero, the stereotypical hero- not that that's not someone else's truth but the vast majority of books are about a Fabio- still. To me, it actually makes me ashamed to be a woman. Really. I'm being serious. And I wanted to change that. But see, the hope I have in doing that is rapidly diminishing day by day, and part of that is because I haven't sold a copy of my book, and yes I know it's early days, I've been through that on this post but also because when authors who have been around for longer than me and have publishing contracts with companies, it makes me feel the big divide between me and them. Not that they are "better" than me, more worthy than me, I don't have self esteem issues, although they are better writers, their work reads as a better written story, again in the past when I have tried to be honest, it comes across as "deprication", no it's me being honest, but because it feels like I'm being drowned out and it's about the companies and the power and the reputations.