Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Denial is not the way forward

thinking, time, passion and courage is.

I came across a really good blog yesterday. It was honest and inspirational. Now you're thinking, aren't there a million so called inspirational written pieces? Blogs allow you to let go of your inhibitions and get thinking about what it is you really want. In typing, it also allows to process your thoughts. So I don't doubt there would be a million inspirational written pieces. But some of them stand above. I can tell from the start that this woman's blog is special. Probably because it's coming from her, she's a friend not a close, close friend but I know her and she's a good person. She's also funny. And I think she's the kind of person who watches Dead Poets Society and 50 years later would go back to it and think about it and ask herself questions Keating asked the students.

Her blog also gave me hope.

And it gave me hope in the sense tomorrow is another day. It can be a fresh start. But you have to make it that way. Sometimes things take time but that doesn't mean you can't hold your head up high after something bad happens and not forget that you are vital and important.

I say denial is not the way forward because rather than me denying all the feelings I have now from today (today was not a good day..and I'm not willing to say why on HERE just yet, my feelings are still incredibly raw)..so rather than saying oh forget what happened today..i can't and i know I wont be able to sleep for the all the trying to forget..instead I turn them into something positive. I'm still angry. I'm stil mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still annoyed. I'm not going to change that..I'm not going to forget those feelings. But I AM going to get something good out of tomorrow. I'm going to take the plunge in a few ways that I wouldn't have taken were I calmer. I'll be careful...I know when I wake up tomorrow it will be easy to revert back to myself and put on that shield I always have..but where will that get me?

I just want to be happy. Every single human being on this earth deserves that. I feel so disrespected right now..but it's up to me to look someone in the eye and say, whatever you have to say about me say it to my face. Of course I also have to be careful that theyre you know not going to shoot me! But I can judge. And if I dont say anything for the fear of any physical harm, I at least shouldnt not say anything for the fear of verbal harm. I GOT to get over this fear.

I really need to get cracking with my life. I've done a few things, only a few of what I've always wanted to do. I'm not going to be happy unless I think to myself, today you're one step further from your past. I'll still get hurt and I'll still be disrespected and I'll be annoyed..but ultmately my own sense of worth comes from me and I should be able to respect myself. I stand for a lot..I have a lot of goodness and courage..but I just need to put that in action.

I wrote before about not having any expectations. I don't. I don't even have the one about being respected anymore. But I have nothing to lose but myself. If I don't do anything, I lose myself.

Things may be shattered but I will keep on picking myself up..I don't know where this strength comes from but it seems it keeps on showing itself..I don't think I CAN do it, I think I WANT to do it.

In a way tomorrow will be a new me. I can't control everything but I can make myself happy. It's up to me to ensure I get the best.

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