Denial is not the way forward

thinking, time, passion and courage is.


I came across a really good blog yesterday. It was honest and inspirational. Now you're thinking, aren't there a million so called inspirational written pieces? Blogs allow you to let go of your inhibitions and get thinking about what it is you really want. In typing, it also allows to process your thoughts. So I don't doubt there would be a million inspirational written pieces. But some of them stand above. I can tell from the start that this woman's blog is special. Probably because it's coming from her, she's a friend not a close, close friend but I know her and she's a good person. She's also funny. And I think she's the kind of person who watches Dead Poets Society and 50 years later would go back to it and think about it and ask herself questions Keating asked the students.

Her blog also gave me hope.

And it gave me hope in the sense tomorrow is another day. It can be a fresh start. But you have to make it that way. Sometimes things take time but that doesn't mean you can't hold your head up high after something bad happens and not forget that you are vital and important.

I say denial is not the way forward because rather than me denying all the feelings I have now from today (today was not a good day..and I'm not willing to say why on HERE just yet, my feelings are still incredibly raw)..so rather than saying oh forget what happened today..i can't and i know I wont be able to sleep for the all the trying to forget..instead I turn them into something positive. I'm still angry. I'm stil mad. I'm still hurt. I'm still annoyed. I'm not going to change that..I'm not going to forget those feelings. But I AM going to get something good out of tomorrow. I'm going to take the plunge in a few ways that I wouldn't have taken were I calmer. I'll be careful...I know when I wake up tomorrow it will be easy to revert back to myself and put on that shield I always have..but where will that get me?

I just want to be happy. Every single human being on this earth deserves that. I feel so disrespected right now..but it's up to me to look someone in the eye and say, whatever you have to say about me say it to my face. Of course I also have to be careful that theyre you know not going to shoot me! But I can judge. And if I dont say anything for the fear of any physical harm, I at least shouldnt not say anything for the fear of verbal harm. I GOT to get over this fear.

I really need to get cracking with my life. I've done a few things, only a few of what I've always wanted to do. I'm not going to be happy unless I think to myself, today you're one step further from your past. I'll still get hurt and I'll still be disrespected and I'll be annoyed..but ultmately my own sense of worth comes from me and I should be able to respect myself. I stand for a lot..I have a lot of goodness and courage..but I just need to put that in action.

I wrote before about not having any expectations. I don't. I don't even have the one about being respected anymore. But I have nothing to lose but myself. If I don't do anything, I lose myself.

Things may be shattered but I will keep on picking myself up..I don't know where this strength comes from but it seems it keeps on showing itself..I don't think I CAN do it, I think I WANT to do it.

In a way tomorrow will be a new me. I can't control everything but I can make myself happy. It's up to me to ensure I get the best.

& the slut is back.

I have two sides. One; serious and uninteresting.. the other; slut.





And this picture makes me spectularly slutty and speechless.

Gosh I need somethin to take my mind of..reality.

I just can not believe the state of affairs sometime. The world sucks. I know that is so grunge 1990s plaid shirt "wah wah wah"cliche but it really does. Sure there are good things too; friends, nature, tv, books but I just read a horrible "why we hate SJP" in a magazine. I know I know it's just a magazine. In my defence..my sister bought it! But not for that purpose but it's really left a horrible taste in my mouth. Men are so bitchy! And I love the fact they can say things like we know you know she looks ridiculous really..so that's mind reader added to their list of talents then!

I just absolutely hate this passive aggressive or just plain aggresive behaviour I'm seeing in them nowadays. It's not just men, it's women too but women seem to have more empathy and I find men ..tricky. They can be very nice..when they want something. Hooah! ouch, thats harsh but really it says something when you're reading a book going why cant there be more like this in real life? You know just a good person but at the same time non cowardly.

I mean don't get me wrong, I don't need a man for the sake of it but I'd like to believe I'm not living amongst imbeciles.

I always laugh at the "new studies" about how men are oh so visual, sure I dont doubt that, and how they choose based on fertility and how we choose based on what we are like ourselves..they always forget the one thing though; soul. Not everything is "science" Not everything has to make sense.

Anyway a friend of mine gave me this poem and I wanted to keep it secret but it's kind of a pleasant little garden I can take a stroll in and emit (oh isnt that a word, who cares?) a very big sigh.

Lost in the forest...Pablo Neruda..

Lost in the forest, I broke off a dark twigand lifted its whisper to my thirsty lips:maybe it was the voice of the rain crying,a cracked bell, or a torn heart.Something from far off it seemeddeep and secret to me, hidden by the earth,a shout muffled by huge autumns,by the moist half-open darkness of the leaves.Wakening from the dreaming forest there, the hazel-sprigsang under my tongue, its drifting fragranceclimbed up through my conscious mindas if suddenly the roots I had left behindcried out to me, the land I had lost with my childhood---and I stopped, wounded by the wandering scent.

More tales..(despite my knowing better)

When Cedric returned with my food I had to endure an infuriating conversation with him. I was hurt and tired..did he think feeding me well would give me strength for his inquisition? I had none left.

“I can’t believe they did that to you.”

I asked him what world he lived in. “Look I don’t know why but everyone just despises me. I can’t help hating myself for it.”

“Have you done something wrong?”

"Nothing.” “I say wrong things but I’m mostly an okay.”.Well.. ex person I thought.

“It can’t be like this.” He said.

“Are you idealistic..Cedric..” I mocked his name. But the man/boy/thing? didn’t flinch. “You think you know everything? You clearly don’t. Nothing is fucking real. I’ve been almost killed because of other peoples prejudices, intolerance and hate. THAT’S what is real..to me at least. You don’t know how many glares I get everyday. But I never once thought someone would hate me that MUCH. “Why don’t I just kill myself“..but I never did and THEY fucking attacked me and now I will never get chance to get my revenge. And I want it.”

“I would be livid if I were you.”

“You have no idea. Its just swearing to you now but I want to take everyone down with me most of the time. I have this ache in my head constantly and my soul is destroyed. I thought I would fit right into what I read about this world.“ I smirked, “I was wrong.”

“Annie..”

“Don’t bother..” I interrupted.

“Annie you can’t let them get to you. Human, vampire, it doesn’t mean shit.“ I looked up at him.“You know yourself. Don‘t let hierarchy or order get to you.”

“Yes..but it’s ruined everything for me. I’m a victim. That’s my order. This coming from someone who had a beautiful dream about being respected.” I smiled darkly.

"These arent my dreams anymore." I remembered the days when I had some hope. When I was young and alive in my heart. Before the terror.

Cedric got up. I saw him discard my paper plate. He came back and sat beside me.

I moaned.

“What's wrong?”

“Have you ever been a victim?” I asked.

“Listen, I’m going to handcuff you again.” He said softly, ignoring my question.“I think if I were you I would run. Run as fast as I could.”

“But if wouldn’t be because of you. I would just do it for its own sake.”I interrupted.

“You don’t have to be afraid tonight.”

“I’m not.” I couldn’t make out his eye colour. Then I felt angry at myself for thinking that.“You’re not responsible for me.”

“I am.”

We sat in silence ..then, “I’m going to cuff you to me. If I do it to the post, you could hurt yourself without knowing”

“I can’t sleep so I would know what I’m doing.”

“I need to be sure before I allow you that freedom.”

“I understand.” I said though I didnt understand fully.

“I hurt so much inside.” I curled my knees to my chin..

“Do you think you will heal?” I couldn’t believe how soft his voice was.

“I think the scars are too deep now.” I whispered.

“Love, they are war wounds. War is never fair.”I stretched my legs out.We looked at each other and he took my hand. He placed one of his hands in the handcuffs and then did the same to my own.

“We’re sleeping on this bed?” I asked. Together?

“You need to sleep with me and I won't have you sleeping on the floor. I won’t touch you. Unless I have an itch.” He was serious.

“Well..”

“I cant promise you anything else but I can promise that I wont harm you. You are under my protection, no choice.”

“Okay.” Trust? I didn’t know about that. But I seemed okay with this situation.He looked very much the protector now, tall, watching over me. I felt my head throb madly when his face almost resembled head boys at an old school but he was more than that. He would be the adult.

“Okay.” I said again.

“Which side do you take?” He asked, waiting for me to get on the bed first.

"Real woman"

Discuss!

Right well actually I'm quite a follower of that term. What it means to me is cutting out all the fake bullshit and phoney baloney. It's really quite simple. "To thine ownself be true" (oooh!)

To me a real woman doesn't compromise herself. She's all about the real stuff in life. What more can I say? I think there is A LOT of false stuff out there, sentiment, money, appearance, trickery, you may be in the minority and you may not be wrong but better to be a real human being than conform. Ignore the "non conformists" out there.

The book I read today had a real woman..not one who compromises herself for a man, or for men, or for other women. What I loved about this book is first the hero sees her in a shop, she's smelling this perfume and he SEES her, it's like they are of the same material, and he goes up to her, talks to her, she thinks he's pissing around because she's used to the superficial jerkery of society and all ..so it doesn't go well. Then she's walking back home and he pushes her against the wall and kisses her. He MUST kiss her because in that moment where he saw her before..and something tells me he was a little aware of her before that when he was walking around the shop..he saw a woman who could match his desire. And does the man have desire.

It's always nice to see a real woman above all women get the treat!

You know a good spanking always leaves me speechless

just type in erotic spanking you'll get the website these came from. I'm too past it to post.

I wish I had a body like this

This is my dream body. It's hourglass, soft, pillowy, tempting ..and yet toned too. I'm very much against cosmetic surgery; why? We lose our indivduality and I think that's a very deep flaw. But if I could choose my body, I wouldn't go near Jolie's Johansson's or Aniston's, I'd go for this womans in a second. The whole celebrity body thing, they're all very thin, just some have more curves than others but to me THIS is very womanly. And you can tell she's either lucky and or she keeps fit. No one gets a waist like that otherwise and look at those belly mucles..I used to work out every day so I KNOW what I'm talking about. ( I don't know much else so grant me this one "achievement"!) She is DAMN lucky having boobs like that. But then some guys say it's more about the nipples....

AAAnyway, this I got from a darn good author's blog advertising Sexy Reads..damned good advertisement! DAMN.

"You Can Be Anything You Want To Be, Just Turn Yourself Into Anything You Think You Could Ever Be"

My respect for the group Queen goes up. Of course I always liked Freddie Mercury, he ate up that stage but I've not heard of this one before.

Forget about copying. There's taking inspiration and then there's wanting to be like someone else. Be them just don't be like them. Better to go the whole way.

I tried writing some kind of vampire bullshit but thats not really turning out too well. I did it out of my in love with Twilight thing, I'm still in love but I think I'll be deleting my "inspired" by vampire's everywhere at the moment writing.

It's just not me.

Better to get it wrong, be out of fashion than strive to copy someone else. I would HATE to be a look alike. Yet is it ever everywhere..Idiotic.

Tales from a Vampire who should have known better.

Don't laugh, my name is Annie. Yes Annie.

Of course when you're a Vampire called Annie you know things are going to be pretty shitty.

I got attacked yesterday. But..this other..Vampire (? can't trust anyone since being attacked two days in a row) rescued me.

His name is Cedric. Yes Cedric.

Cedric very kindly gave me a pen and paper to write whilst being chained..he implied it's for my own good..to his bedpost.

Oh he's not in his bed. I'm not even in this bed. I'm on his carpet. He says he's gone to get dinner. Said I need sustainence for a busy day tomorrow. Busier than having to run for hours on end from humans and then monstors? He snarled when I said "monstor." I half did it just to see that snarl on him. Being a vampire hasn't changed me at all. I'm still unglamorous, obnoxious and always in trouble little fucking Annie. Annie who gets a rise out of the opposite sex..not in that way but in the other.

Annie who should have been left alone. I wanted to be torn to scraps from those other monstors. I thought they were like me, a monstor. I thought they would leave me alone. And when they didn't and were on top of me, I had one thought; let me be torn like this for I'm not good enough to exist in any form.

But then this..this FORCE threw me to one side. And I was so out of it that I only remember vaguely being carried from the forest into his alleged home.

I don't know what he did to those other monstors. I don't know. I don't want to say. I'm scared of his face a little. I should be.

Then he tended to my wounds and asked me my name and what I remembered. I told him and in response I got the first proper sentence from him, "I'm Cedric..don't even think of laughing and don't leave this room " With that he cuffed one of my hands to his post.

"And don't struggle. "

"I want something to write on." I think I said that because I didn't want to be freed. I wasn't one hundred percent certain about my safety but there was something about the strength and no nonsense of my captor that made me know I would make it into tomorrow.

Last Summer.

I only just heard of this movie today. I watched it just now. The ending- well nothing can prepare you for what happens. You may know it may happen but nothing can prepare you and I ain't someone easily shocked.





I stumbled upon knowledge of this movie through the actress Catherine Burns. She is not well known. But fucking hell she should be. She was nominated for an Oscar for her turn as shy, plump (yes that old chestnut) Rhoda. (I know ..but bare with me).





Last Summer is about ol Rhoda stumbling across three people young like herself, one girl Sandy (who I couldnt stop comparing to what I've heard about Amanda Knox..yes..really) (played by Barabara Hershey, looking may I add quite tanned and different) and the two boys. One of whom played by John Boy from the fricking Waltons! Richard Thomas.





Sandy is their little hottie. She's damaged but her exterior is really what they're there for. Plus she exudes a faux easy sexuality.

This movie is real. And boys are horny. So are girls. We all know this. If I'm truly honest with myself, boys are more like this than Dead Poets Society. Sure they can be honourable but along comes a Sandy and they start thinking with their dicks. Though they certainly have more of a conscience than her..especially the Richard Thomas character and we see glimpses into his maturity but...well, only glimpses.





Rhoda...see the shy plump girls are never just the shy plump girls. She's got a history. A past. She's a character. Rhoda's also got morals..and let's just say Sandy is too far gone, too damaged to have those anymore (girl "needs help") and those two boys let their dicks take over a glimpse of a smidgeon of their conscience.





Have you ever seen The Last American Virgin? Bullshit compared to this movie. (Though the Diane Franklin character in Virgin ..I know her).





Anyway other than Rhoda's annoying voice at times and the odd music, it is as described; Good and dark. I guess you could say a little twisted but that conjures up images of Texas Chainsaw Massacre..and that my darlings is not real but Last Summer is a little twisted in a real way. Yes it's dramatic but I KNOW those boys, they're real, I don't know a Sandy but I have seen glimpses of her in girls and Catherine Burns is outstanding as Rhoda. BUT what makes this movie is the feeling. I know what they're going through and I feel like I'm on the beach with them.





A beautifully directed and horrifically unsettling movie, it's going to stay with me forever.





This link will help you more. I'm not a reviewer as you noticed, so this will make more sense. And I found the user reviews/comments helpful. (The discussion board not so much- boo hiss) http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0064573/

And this blog http://www.stinkylulu.com/2008/12/catherine-burns-in-last-summer-1969.html but I vomited at the Breslin, Fanning bullshit. (They're amazing but please why mention other actors).

Hot cover alert.

He has nice hands...

When a cover makes you want to buy the book. Then do a search for breasts or nipples under "find" ...then..

I know, I'm a complete pervert.

Today's been one of those day where anyone could have had their wicked way with me in alleyway, perhaps it's because my period is ending and that means I can go pantyless. Fucking A.

Stay Kinky and if you have someone to fuck please do. Do it for me.