Saturday, 29 August 2009

Why is someone else's appearance so important to you?

This blog like I say is a diary of sorts. I write about everything on here. I know it's called express your kink but at the moment this is my life and I write about my life on here.

As I was saying..I know about first impressions and I know about forming an opinion, human nature blah blah but for over 20 years my appearance has been oh so important to other people. Good skin, not so good skin, chin length hair, shoulder length hair, short hair, thin eyebrows, thicker eyebrows, make up, no make up, smart clothes, casual clothes, uk size 12/14, uk size 10, trendy t shirt, not so trendy caridigan, no matter what I do, why is my appearance such a factor to you?

I've never pretended or acted like I'm a beauty, so just why not just leave me alone? Heaven forbid I never pretend I'm "cool" I'm just trying to get by in this world and trying to survive, I look presentable, I look okay, I've asked various people and they have gone as far as to say nothing is wrong with the way I look. I don't buy the you're beautiful/pretty stuff because I actually think all that shit is about social status.

But I have been treated like shit. And I'm at my wits end. I'm just a stranger to you so why do you feel the need to look me over and dismiss me? I don't want your approval, I just want to be treated like a human being. Maybe I dont look human then? Is that it? And I'm not being paranoid because I've heard the comments and I've seen the very direct looks. The worst is when I'm being looked in the eye and I don't get why.

I know other people go through this but I have to go through it every day, every hour, every 2 minutes, I've reached a point where I myself don't know where to look.

If I look back at you, you will continue and continue to stare, you may even laugh to your friend and then both of you stare back and if I don't look at you, you will do the same.

So for me it's like my actions aren't of any worth anymore.

And how about looking at me as well as the rest of my family for perfume or ordering food? I look at you, I smile, I say thanks but no, nothing.

I'm not allowed to smile at strangers, I''ll get the stare and then you will look away.

And to people who know me, this isn't "jealousy" because I get this reaction from everyone, white, brown, black, 12, 24, 44, 74, (no really), male or female, accountant or builder or shop assistant and even doctor.

And heaven forbid I talk to anyone..

I just don't really know what to do anymore because I feel scared. I've accepted this as something that will continue and that I will never be able to walk down a street and not have this happen to me. Other people wonder if they're attractive to others, I move out of people's way and try and turn my face or give a little smile so I don't get punched. Yes you read correctly. I was shit scared the other day when I had this girl and her boyfriend both look me in the eye and stare during a tram ride. I looked back at them and the girl looked away (I tend to find girls have more empathy) but the males are just fucking mean. I've tried with you lot in the sense I treat you like I would treat the opposite gender but I get some weird does the minger fancy me vibe as you ignore and look away. I'm just looking where I'm walking and that I don't get in your way as I know you that not only will you not give me any room, you'll make a rude noise and maybe hurt my arm or move yours away in disgust.

At least when I was being bullied in school, it was hard but straighforward but now even if I were to get this on camera, I know I would get a smirk type response as in of course people act like this to you, its you after all. I have some experience of this type of response and I am a perceptive person, so I don't buy this paranoid or petty jealousy bullshit. It feels more like hatred.

And I'm trying to understand this, "you know some people just dont seem nice, that's her." A comment directed at me when I was walking past a group of men. So when I'm smiling, saying thank you, I'm not nice? It's actually been commented on by the people who have taken time to get to know me that I am a nice person. I have many flaws but I didn't think being an offensive bitch was one of them. Yet that is how I am treated.

If I have done something wrong just by being born, why the fuck am I here? It's this that makes me angry and upset. Not upsetting you but just being treated like dog dirt and that someone upstairs must fucking hate me. And I may as well say it since it's what I feel but I fucking hate them too. And I wish I could wake up tomorrow and I have a completely different face..because I feel it may even fucking save my life.

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