Dear Diary

When I was younger I was excited. I didn't have my head in the clouds but I thought once I was out of that bubble, I would be the person I am inside.

I feel like the woman in the picture in one respect and in another, I feel she is where it's at.

I feel that by typing this I am being honest and I want to be true to myself.

All my expectations, all my hopes, all my dreams no longer exist..except I do.

I want no help. Unless it's a promise which I know can never be true, still I could even settle for a false one which could make me feel unburdened for 5 minutes.

This will always be here and I will go on, keep moving...I no longer ask when or why, I must just look for my own truth and things I love doing,

But I need an intervention I know that..though interventions don't happen to me.

And I'm a woman. I'm not a girl. It's one of the realities that I don't feel inside but they exist. Not that I don't want to be a woman. I don't want to be a girl. But there it is I'm a woman. It crept up on me, it just happened, numerically and physically.

Is it this which caused the problems to become...more? Not that I can control this or them.

(My problems are not the obvious ones).

I feel since a lot is out of control in the world around me that affects me directly, that I want to be in a position out of my control ..sexually.

Dear Diary, this is not rational, promise me that on the day when it's the worst, when the rain pours heavily and it's dark (I have this image in my head) and I am yet again in the same horrible position I am in over and over again, that it will be my last day or I have a new strength. Promise me I will see something, something simple even and you'll laugh when I say, a tree. Or metal. Something solid.