I read something yesterday, about living on the outside, about being isolated, about living in your bubble or cell. It's funny but in that I find liberation. Freedom comes from knowing what I want and going after it, nervous, fearful, terrified perhaps.
I've been ignoring people, being a quiet woman, perhaps rude to most. I've been thinking a lot about what I want. I orignally typed what it was but actually, why should I say. But in this thing that I want, I get pushed. I want to be pushed, don't take me as I am when I don't know what I could be. I want to be presented for the sake of being used. Now take what you want from that word. It's as simplistic or deep as you make it. I can be all different things on the outside but inside, ME, that hasn't gone anywhere. Ultimately I want the simple life. Basic. I have possessions but you can take them away from me. Yes, even technology. I don't have an interest in gadgets, in buying small things, I think they look nice and pretty but nice and pretty is just that to me. I'm interested and single mindedly so nowadays in being the woman in the corner who doesn't say or do anything but to survive basically and have a few laughs, much like how I was when I was a child, and going into, reading and writing literature, films and erotica.
I've always wanted to be institutionalised in some way. I used to think it was to make friends but it's actually because I love something about it. Safety? Conformity? Belonging? The day it becomes about that, that's the day I quit the instituition. I want truth, more than love, pleasure (money, faith, fame- mean bullshit to me) and truth comes from where there is honesty. There's too much shallowness in this world for honesty and honesty doesn't come from anything bad, it comes from a good place.
"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."— Chris McCandless