Thursday, 3 December 2009
I typed a couple of sentences and then deleted..I don't know how to articulate what I am going through.
I also don't see the point in wording it. Because it won't change. And I know people say that but I know for a fact it won't change because it lies in other people and I can't control what they say or do to me. So I'm trying to see a point where I reach a stage I have some money, some respect from people who know my work or me but it just won't change how people react to me. A year ago I thought of it as a nightmare and it didn't help the fact that I am very intimidated by people I interact with in daily life. My heart always beats so hard and fast but somehow I can get the words out and try not to appear a complete zombie. Instead I just appear as a weirdo..how could I not I mean I tend to just stand in one position when someone talks to me, my face, my eyes my body stiff (that's probably why I smile a lot)..but it's not that. I mean that's a minor obstacle to me. It's the fact I will never find true happiness. And I know there's philosophies, writing out there, I've read them, I'm a fan but I mostly get disrespected (ignored, laughed at, smirked at) in some way. This is no matter what my appearance is. The other day when I was in the shower I saw my face. And I saw how round it is compared to my body. But you know what I like that. It's not fashionable but I once went to a country where this woman said to me, it makes you look like a goddess. Now I dont believe her but it was nice hearing that. My point is Kinky and express your kink..that's never going to happen for me in real life. I mean I will forever be exploring that on my own ..which is fine but no one would pick me for exploring that with. And by someone I mean someone who has met me not on the net. If I tell people on the net I am shy they kind of laugh. But I don't know how else to describe myself. Shy and weird fits me. It's not that which is my problem but the point of Kinky. These are not going to be my dreams then? So I guess if I was dramatic and self involved like a lot of movie characters and people who say oh my god i fell and they laughed at me i was mortified (try falling and people saying oh its only her and almost breaking your head) then I would kill myself. And I have had two people say as if figuring me out, when I've not been at my best, I should do so. Why do others unconditionally accept other people but not me? I guess this is just pure honesty. I shrug my shoulders and say I guess I carry on and explore the kink myself. I'm not looking for something mediocre..meaning I don't want pity. But then you could say that is what I would get when typing this? But what I do want is a playmate..someone who challenges me and I challenge them..but how can I do that when I'm overlooked or seen as a joke or unworthy. You haven't seen peoples reactions to me so don't say otherwise. In my writing I can express this part of myself and explore the kink between the two characters..I wonder when the nightmare began that would make it seem a no hoper to do so in my reality..because there was a time I was considered okay.