It is time to take a risk.

Fk my previous post. I no longer care. I'm going to stop watching crap. Crap that doesn't make me happy.

It's all about being selective and knowing what I want. And by watching I also mean observing in this space called real life. I no longer care for anything LESS in real life so I won't be observing the less.

I wrote in my diary (a new thing) a few lines about how I feel. I couldn't share with anyone. I didn't care. I want to say this out loud but I don't care if my closest friends don't hear it. I'll say it out loud to anyone.

People get mocked for making a decision based on a movie. I don't make a decision. Instead I really feel it. Yesterday I felt for the first time in some time like I was somewhere that really mattered to me. Dramatic I know but I felt everything in that movie. If anything was wasted on me during that two hour pleasure fest, it was out of the fact I was so fucking excited. I haven't felt that way for some time. Because I can be honest enough to admit that the things that annoy me don't excite me. They don't get my heart speeding up.

So in this world, I feel now is the time for me to go to an audition. I also yesterday was in the centre of a closed environment of a lot of people. This was earlier in the day, before fucking fantastic movie. Whilst talking with someone, I realised this IS what I want to do. I want to be here in this environment and contribute to it. Because I wasn't sure before.

Now is the time to be selfish. I know what I want. I want to take risks and finally I have the courage to live life. I walked faster and louder today that I have ever walked. Anytime I got uncomfortable I remembered something that means a lot to me. It's something you won't know about me. I have found my starting line. Now I can start. Wish me luck. I'll need it but I don't want a miracle!

I know this will sound like a fad or a phase. I know what I believe more than anyone else. I know what's inside of me better than anyone else. So I'm not going to mock it regardless of anyone else. Deep turbulent waters here I dive in!

Yours messily,

Annoying K.

How To Save a Life.

I had an idea about this whilst watching Everwood, and this girl was pissing me off quite frankly. Her ex was dancing with another girl and she was all grumpy about it. Now okay she still has feelings for him but I hate this SELF possessiveness. That's not spelt right. So I thought about someone having feelings for the male this other female still had feelings for. And how he evolves. How things perhaps dont work out for everyone but its a real, adult world. More on this soon!

POSSUMS!

Jello

What are you doing here? I'm not your mother

YES I AM

Oh fuck it. I wanted some space before I could just shout oh hey i shaved my hoo haa. I mean one doesnt just come out with that, does one? Ahem!

Well I did. I did it cos I had to get my legs waxed and quite frankly it got to the stage where my hair bush was flowing out of my knickers. You'd think it put me of mastubating. It's certainly put you off? Well fuck ...

So I'm all smooth. And boy do I love it. One thing though, lace or even denim makes it itchy and I need some cream mild enough to put there. Sudocream any good for front sides?

When I shaved, I had to be very careful to the point I wanted to hide under my covers in bed and go to sleep forever...I mean it's just SO exposed. I saw my lips, whatever the right term is, who cares,!, and I'm not the kind of girl to question if that's normal but yes..careful!

Well now I've started I intend to keep this up every week week..like ho for show. The idea that I'm all smooth underneath makes me unbelievably aroused.

As I was getting torture waxed (only my legs...for now) I was thinking about females and body hair. For me I want to be smooth because it means I'm ready. It's there. It's available. You know what I mean. And the idea of someone wearing leather gloves against my smooth body whilst they're all dressed and I'm naked in every way..it's very sexy for me.

But you know it's also attractive to have tan skin in the sense it makes it look more touchable. Unless they empty five bottles of spray tan on me, I'm not going to get that look so I make the most of my whitish olivey (read "yellowy") skin. It's very smooth that I will give myself.

So my "point" do what you want. Why should any woman have to do something like shave or wax her body hair if she doesn't want to? You think I'd do that if it didn't please me? HELL NO!!It's all about pleasing me. Men? Who cares. I'm in touch with my own sexuality..ooh little pathetic boast si vous plait (sp..what sp?!) to be confident with what I have regardless what they think. Occasionally I would like a man to please me but I'm all about the exploration. I can get there without a man. I get there on my own, with strangers, with women, with toys; used to hate em before, now it turns me on to even read about it.

Men have nipples and they look good, get over it and let me get some sleep!

I tell you something insomnia takes away your imagination. After the longest, coldest, windiest walk I'm physically tired too but will that help me sleep? Nope. I know the reason for my insomnia but I await medical help for this. And not something I hope which is going to be dangerous.

It could be worse.

By the way what's this horseshit about men's nipples? Some of them are sensitive and wht would you rather see? A chest without nipples? Would look mannequin-y. Plus some women like to play with men's nipples. Fuck it, men have them because women like them. Use your imagination.

This is a crappola-er than usual post so I put a pic here. Because I said lick.

God something is niggling at me but I'm trying this thing where I don't talk about it on here, like that helps me sleep any better and sleep/lack of is not why I blog anyway, rather I do something about it and sleep thinking that I may.

Holy.. I looked up this pic because I want to channel some fuck off! attitude for tomorrow (yup that's how dork me works) in the way of Troy fucking Dyer. I found this. God, look at his arms. God.

The taboo of suicide.

I wanted to write about this today because as I was taking my walk earlier, I started thinking about this.

You know I get it. I get why people do it. I know people say they are cowards and if you end your life, you lose it all, you may not be happy now but you lose any chance of happiness in the future. It's cutting off everything. Very definite. I know people say this but have you seen the world we live in?

Do far off lands where humans are more important than statements exist?

I know who I am. I know what I like. I can live with different views and different passions, one person's trash is another's obsession, passion and love.. but I just think the stakes are rising and rising. Everything despite the fact technology is getting better and bettter, is harder. I don't think it's too late to get to some kind of humanity. If it ever existed. People talk of nowadays; from what I've read in history, the past is more terrifying to me, I think society has always been more bad than good and humanity always kind of low. Values have definitelty worsened but then where values existed before, there was sometimes if not often racism, sexism and other prejudicies.

So what if one day you have everything but it's not enough? Not that you want more. But you just want peace. In any sense. You want everyone to stop going one way whilst you go the other. So you just think why don't I stop? Cowardly. Giving up. Yes. But what about pain and suffering and fatigue? I don't mean to say that suicide is a good decision if you feel any of these but these are reasons. And if not any of those, what if you just don't have anything more to give and see? You can never say for sure what may happen in the future but if you are perceptive and sensitive to that around you, you can have a pretty good idea. And I have to say chances are you'll be right.

See I know we are not supposed to talk like this. Think like this. But I can read"something like" the Bell Jar and to be honest, I get her totally, I would do what she did even if I don't go through what she did.

It's a little like watching a movie like Hard Candy and finding elements of romance and eroticism more meaningful than some sultry, jazz music playing movie that is supposed to be erotic and or romantic. It's not the idea that you think and feel differently to mainstream or even independant ( I don't care for a fair few of those movies) but the fact that all you got told and all you saw and believed in when you were young turned out to be bullshit in the sense it could be lies or just a different world to the one you inhabit. There's always sugar coating in a lot of things and I'm always thankful when something or someone isn't. Actually the more I grow older the more I appreciate that.

And so I go on. On here and in life.

One last thing though and I will post more on this "topic." To someone who may feel this way, I think I understand. Message me. Comment. Find me. If nothing else, even if we are different, we could form a bond. They tend to do things to people, stuff that matters not the every day bullshit, bonds go deeper, even though they may not be enough.

Love? Be it romantic, for family, friends, it is priceless and it means more than anything but I can see why people have love and still want to go.

And carpe diem? I believe in it, it could be my world, perhaps in some way it is, but I can see why people still want to go.

Hard Candy, Hayley's pov

I don't want to explain things away but I wanted to explore various things. I saw this video someone made on youtube and Hayley's reaction to Jeff when she first sees him. I don't think that particular part was a performance. It got me thinking a few thoughts that would be running through her head.


to come soon

Eroticism and Hard Candy

So I always wanted to do one of those essays at Uni. This of course is nothing like an essay.

I was watching this movie Hard Candy last night. I love it. I've seen it three times and unless you watch it every day (don't recommend doing that for any movie; you see I have to say DPS is a little ruined for me now- insert sad face)..and so unless you watch Hard Candy everyday, it will always get to you.

What's it about? Ellen Page pre Juno mega fame plays a 14 year old girl who contacts this older man she's been communicating with online. He's played by Patrick Wilson who if you have ever seen Little Children (another good movie and it's got Kate Winslet) is quite lush.

Now Wilson's Jeff knows how young this girl is. I think he has also been linked to other young girls. He also photographs models for a living.

Page plays Hayley who starts off different. And then the movie takes a turn. I won't ruin it but I will say it's intelligent, provocative not in the way you think, tense, a little horrific (not Saw but I mean one certain scene; ouch!!) and best of all it plays with your mind.

The movie is not only beautifully directed but it allows the audience to play along, think and question themselves.

A young girl is a young girl no matter if she imitates a woman as said in the movie. I believe in rules and morals and humanity. I think we should never be complacent about abuse to another living thing. We should also know what abuse is. And I believe in adults taking responsibility over consensual, non consensual.

But I believe in underage, rape, REALLY taboo being explored via role plays, writing. And I'll talk about incest another time.

Hard Candy is erotic. And I think it is also dementedly romantic. At one point Jeff says to Hayley she can cry, scream let it all out, if she wants he can hold or he will keep his distance. Hayley knows her own mind, she is very independent and she is initially shy around him, with actually I felt it initially comes across as nervous energy. And he is calmer and mature. And then he has this clearly perverse side. Their conversation flows about music, books, there's light kind of friendly teasing between these two characters. Not just players in a game but fully dimensional characters. And when things get going there's heat and I know it's not just me who found their interactions erotic on a certain level. For some people it could be the interactions in themselves and for me it was the level each went to. In some weird demented way at one point they could have been perfect together. But they were not at all, that's the thing. To go into that would be going into the movie. So just watch it.

In the end the movie was more about something else. Along the way all these issues are raised. Amazing how much you can talk about this movie. Debate, talk, think, re think, go back to it. Honesty is key.