It really is like noise sometimes.

http://wickedwitchofwest.blogspot.com/2010/10/too-much-self-importance.html

Oh you wicked dream.

Mostly my dreams are strange and random. Not epic, just very weird, very much a mix of things. I don't analyse them for that reason but I had a dream last night which involved Slow Burn and Lulu. It was implied that I sold copies. Doesn't it sound like I am some egotistical ambitious first time author who REALLY wants her book to sell? At least just one copy! (Maybe I don't get informed if my book sells a copy).

I didn't think I would sell more than one copy when I self published last week. And I'm not so naive as to think one person is going to read the book and spread the word on the internet. I didn't write Comfort Food, my book is not as good, hey I know what I wrote, but when I sent out invitations to my page on facebook (I know, I know) which I did to promote the book, and I got people liking the page, I know some of it is out of the fact I am a facebook friend and these people are happy for me, but I wonder what it's going to take for someone to click on the links on that page and click buy.

I'm perfectly happy in being honest about my feelings on this. I wouldn't go so far as to say it's a slap in the face to have a book out there just not selling, but it defeats the purpose. You see, I want someone to read my book. I write as a hobby but I don't self publish as a hobby. To be frank, far from it.

I loved seeing my book in a simple book format, the cover of the book is very basic and not a cover I would chosen, it was an automated cover but just seeing my story all put together and to be read like a book, I was a little proud of the work and time I put in.

I'm still going to write, I'm still proud of what I wrote and what I write now, the differences and the improvements I have yet to accomplish because I know my strengths and weaknesses but I have had people compliment my writing and saying I SHOULD publish, in particular Slow burn, to which I have always said meh and now I know there is not much point in publishing, sure I haven't given up on the fact Slow Burn may sell one copy by this time next year, and even the fact that it may one day build a reputation..but I'm also cynical. A bit bitter. Mills and Boon, big companies, they have a formula, I was once hoping to publish under them because I bought my Erotica from them and I feel proud of what they did for me.. but I felt there were too many guidelines. I had to tweak my work too much. And I know typing that on here means I will never get to publish for them but I'm not in this to make money. As naive and idealistic as that sounds, I'm not about making money. And I can add that I just want to change things but in the world we live in, people will just laugh at that. That's fine but I will always be honest and I believe in submitting my thoughts onto this blog, I don't have a problem in the world knowing things about me, especially when it comes to a minor heartbreak I'm going through at the moment, as trite as it sounds.

It's the fact that when I write, I want to be read, you know? And it seems like it's okay to have it up free on my blog which makes my blog feel cheap, you can compliment me on a post or send me a message but you can't buy my book, that sort of thing, that's what is running through my mind.

I will keep writing because part of the reason I don't want to change my books to fit in with the guidelines of some publishing companies is that I don't believe in the stories they are selling and I don't believe in giving the readers what they want. I believe in putting something out there that's inside you- and then going from there. That's my main motivation for writing and since I started, it's been about just being honest, not selling out or buying into one idea or selling it- one hero, the stereotypical hero- not that that's not someone else's truth but the vast majority of books are about a Fabio- still. To me, it actually makes me ashamed to be a woman. Really. I'm being serious. And I wanted to change that. But see, the hope I have in doing that is rapidly diminishing day by day, and part of that is because I haven't sold a copy of my book, and yes I know it's early days, I've been through that on this post but also because when authors who have been around for longer than me and have publishing contracts with companies, it makes me feel the big divide between me and them. Not that they are "better" than me, more worthy than me, I don't have self esteem issues, although they are better writers, their work reads as a better written story, again in the past when I have tried to be honest, it comes across as "deprication", no it's me being honest, but because it feels like I'm being drowned out and it's about the companies and the power and the reputations.

Story of O. And questions regarding Return to the Chateau, of the non did Pauline Reage write this variety.

Yes she wrote Return and I wrote O to piss my mother off.

So there we have it.

One thing that I can't get out of my mind, is when O is on the boat to a party, wearing an Owl mask with that beautiful music and the moonlight and wind on her body covered by a simple garment. O looks so free, so graceful, so submissive. I must have mentioned the word free a few times whenever I talk about O, or even submission in general, I suppose by free I mean non repressed, not oppressed. I can't speak about whether she is free because she is no longer human as quoted from someone and also because she is a sexual slave now and she has disengaged from herself. I need to go back to the book and this post is about a few of my thoughts regarding the movie Histoire De O.

Critics talk about glamourising. Movies glamourise guns and they glamourise drugs. Things that are not supposed to be glamourised. But they also glamourise prostituion and sex. O is not about prostitution no matter what a critic will say,and like I have said before no one in their sane mind watches Pretty Woman and then joins a hooker agency.

But there is no reason BDSM should remain seedy. Or "wrong." As if it is like shooting someone or taking heroine. Or even infedility. So if BDSM is glamourised, so be it. For me the movie has moments of beauty and a style that is glamourous no doubt but certainly we see O's pain when she is whipped. When she shakes her head, that comes across as real. I don't feel it is selling BDSM, but the ending of the movie, taking it further than where O is at Sir Stephen's total command and will at the party in her owl mask, and contuining on to her talking to Sir Stephen about Jacqueline's induction at the Chateau ..it goes back to the love theme. I quote from someone else, in love are we, any of us, the Dominant or the submissive ever free?

And it seems like O is more palatable if it is a love story. She is doing this for Rene and then Sir Stephen. She wouldn't just become a sexual slave "just like that," it must be for love! But I'm not going to take issue with the author's idea and with the film maker's ending or even the reason the story of O came into existence.

I enjoyed the movie but for Jacqueline. I think the actress who played Jac has probably the most exquisite bone structure and facial features that I have seen on screen but she was dull. Now perhaps she is like that in the book but I watched this movie called The Image which is based on a somewhat classic BDSM book and the young woman there is a model, a pretty object and a submissive, but the actress who played her was quite good. I just couldn't care less about Jac. One thing I liked was the fact she was no questions asked submissive and I took that in that way rather than the fact that her face just couldn't show us any emotions if it tried. Sorry to sound bitchy but come on O is a little in love with Jac..I as the audience shouldn't be left to wonder how the heck this could possibly be, it would be like falling in love with your favourite Barbie. There's no depth and O I could relate to despite what the critics of the story say, as a woman of depth.

My favourite parts of the movie are the ending I'm on the fence about even though adaptations should have their freedom and the beginning of the movie. The two beginnings. O's journey to total submission and obeying her lover Rene. The beginning and end mark the two points in her journey so far where O has evolved into a sexual slave.

There's a philosophy, another one, that total posession is to give away because you know you can do that, that O is Rene's property, he possesses her completely so he can give her away..to Sir Stephen. Baring in mind, Stephen is no stranger to Rene.

So no more questioning motives, why is O doing this, why is Rene doing this, who is Sir Stephen beyond the older male and Dominant figure, what is the story of O really about...I watched a movie about a woman's journey into becoming a sexual slave. I don't know how accurate it is but I know it wasn't inaccurate and that the actress who played O had grace and charisma. And there was style mixed with substance. It's not like the book, the book is grittier but it wasn't a stupid movie. I liked it as much as The Image because it wasn't The Secretary, because O and The Image is about submission in terms of slavery, in terms of slavery over love in the sense they are both not conventional stories and I'm bored of The Secretary and I'm bored with even the lesser conventional love stories. I'm no cynic and I believe in love, I will fall in love fully I know it, but I'm worried about the importance people place on it, as if we have no worth without it, but that's for another time.

Now, I am interested and curious about Return of Chateau. I have read reviews which say it's more disengaged, the author of O can not have written this! But, I am all the more curious to read a book which is about sexual slavery. Perhaps O is not written well...perhaps the author thinks she has no personality because she is a sexual slave..oh that just makes me more curious because I really have to read it and see a journey of a sexual slave. How has O changed in her personality? And I want to believe that what has been written is that O has changed in her personality but the world has misunderstood a strong sexual slave girl for an disinterested, bored left over of a character. I want to believe someone wrote a sequel in which they gave an account of sexual slavery, full with imperfect characters except the character of O, who knows who she is and will carry on in her mission and the world unless they live it will continue to relate abuse to sexual slavery and unworthiness. As for Sir Stephen, does he leave O? And is this the book that has the "other ending" to O? Where she kills herself seeing as she is no longer Sir Stephen's slave.

Now I'm taking a step back. My book Slow burn is available from Amazon Kindle

My job is done now.

Here are the links if you are interested. You should be able to get a preview/excerpt/sample on amazon if you click on send sample. IF not there is a link to an excerpt on Lulu and on my facebook page and on this blog. I'm very sorry there is no image for this book. I did try my best as you know.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0046A9MFE

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0046A9MFE

Thank you for your interest and that's me done with regards to Slow Burn. I have material for a sequel but I will only publish that if there is enough interest in this book. I can rest my eyes a bit now!

Vampires cheer me up.

I should make myself a tshirt that says that.

In between having a strange bug virus and looking at amazon first thing in the morning thinking oh I don't have the strength just now (regarding my book) I've been in need of something other than Story of O. (I'll come back to that another time).

I want to watch a Hammer Horror movie. I want to see Christopher Lee and his numerous nymph vampirises. I want to see red, red blood and sharp teeth poking out of a mouth just after Lee says something in a dead posh voice!

There was a time I could watch such a movie or even.. Countess Dracula. There was a softness and sensuality even in the harshness and the women had personality in their looks, some had pencil thin eyebrows, nearly all had heaving bosoms and big hair and they were a million times better and than the all too knowing imitators today. I could sense the vulnerability and I could sense the evil in them.

Just before I went to sleep yesterday,I was listening to that song Flightless Bird American Mouth. I always feel how fittingly it is used in Twilight and how fitting it is to the characters Bella and Edward. It's atmospheric, powerful and playful all at the same time. Twilight takes care of some of my need for sensual vampires. I'm not into The Vampire Diaries although I will give True Blood a chance, I at least like the kooky vibe to it.

"No one will surrender tonight. But I won't give in. I know what I want."


"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.

What a stupid lamb.

What a sick masochistic lion."

Bella is the fragile human and Edward the dominant vampire. There are so many metaphors and subtext in Twilight that never fail to make me smile. The conversation about the lion and the lamb. The knowledge that Edward could easily destroy Bella. In fact, in Twilight it just so happens Bella's blood is the most potent to Edward. He has to struggle against that all the time, suppress his need to just break her. And no doubt he could break her. When I read their first sex scene in the Twilight series, I literally went back again and again to where the bed Edward fucks Bella in is destroyed, the wood, the pillows, the quilt, the sheets, unusable again; Edward is suppressing his violent need to fuck Bella to the extent she's no longer human. Hmm, it's delicious. I don't know about love, but Stephanie Meyer has managed to more than sneak in posession and its power to even the superficial, shallow youth today.

Excerpt from Slow Burn.

Available to buy for two quid from http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/slow-burn/12994621

Excerpt from Slow Burn

Mel walked through the corridor hearing whispers of “oh my god that new police man” and “he’s fit“, snorting to herself. The girls in their twenties at this college became 14 year olds for any idiot in trousers.

“What do you think Melinda?” Sarah got right in her face and laughed. “Would he tempt the sweet innocent little virgin here?” She crooned mockingly.

“Not after you get your grubby paws on him. And my name is M E L A N I E.” She spoke each letter clearly and loudly treating Sarah like the idiot she was.

Sarah laughed. It was a dumb imitation of a witches cackle. But then again dumb imitation was all Sarah was. Mel ignored her and straightened her body.

“Virgin” What a joke. If anyone really knew what she was like..if anyone took the time to get to know her they’d be shocked. She…oh but she couldn’t get into that now.

The Headmaster came out of his room. He was talking with another guy..oh hello..

“Melanie..a word please.”

Shit what now! Why the fuck was everyone so against her? She kept to herself but was always in some sort of trouble.

“Hi” It was the police man person.

It took her a substantial effort not to say it back. She looked ..by accident..straight into his eyes. They were big and grey..just stunning. She felt her pulse speed up but she ignored him. Not even giving him a smile. It’s not like he perved over her but she wouldn’t be a bimbo. Not now anyway.

“Take a seat.” The Head said to her. He was such a prissy thing. He was a tall guy, quite broad too and he knew some of the girls liked his build but she hated him. You know it stopped being cool to soak up female attention like a pathetic bitch quite a long while ago. But then judging by his hair he was still living in the 80’s.

She was surprised to see police guy come back in this room. He brought a chair with him.

“I’m Detective Stevens” He extended his hand towards her. Closing her fingers around his hand, he shook it gently and she did the same to his. He was firm, gentle, strong. Fucking best handshake ever.

“Melanie Hawes.” She caught his gaze on her. She could imagine him being pretty popular. He had charm. It wasn’t in your face..he just seemed.. nice.

She saw him sit down. He had quite a sturdy body, his uniform was neatly put together but he still looked cool. He had curlyish brown hair, his features somehow strong and gentle at the same time. Well, she wasn’t a poet..I suppose you could say he was kind of “hot.”

She looked at his badges as the Head asked her something about fitting in.

They had this conversation twice now. Yes SHE really should do more to fit in blah blah blah.

She looked at the prude..some men faked being sexy and some were just naturally sexy. Detective Stevens ..she could tell he was just in touch with his sexuality. She just knew.

“We’ve been asking other students this,” Detective Sexy smiled at her, “Melanie, where were you last Friday after your last class?”

Say my name against my neck as you screw me against the wall. Yeah she really did think that. It almost made her giggle. Fucking giggle.

“Melanie?” So he was persistent. She would have to use firm and gentle again.. and throw in intelligent to describe his voice.

“Ermm“ Let’s see “I went to the library after Chemistry class and I must have been there till ..6 I would say..then I..went to my locker..and then I went home.” She didn’t exactly know why she drew that sentence out that much.

“I’ve been hearing rumours to the contrary” She heard Head Master Weird-Fuck move his chair forward.

Have you indeed?

“Yes Sir?” She kept her tone professional.

“You were seen walking the corridor just after 7.”

“Just after 7?”

“7-15 to be precise.”

Oh screw him. And not in that way either.

“The doors close at 7.”

“No.” The idiot said condescendingly.

“Yes they do. “ She said passionately. “I had to wait for my ride outside once bang on 7.”

“Not on a Friday.”

Fuck.

She was confused. How could this happen? “Seen walking in the corridor at 7” ??

“Could you leave us two?” It was the Detective. He said it to the Headmaster. She would have smirked had this not been serious.

She looked straight ahead at the Detective who was watching the Head walk out. She saw he was being professional, wanting to keep this private. She saw every flicker of his eye..as the door handle clicked..he only now looked at her.

She didn’t feel angry with him. Nor uncomfortable. But she was confused.

“I’m sorry about this.” He said to her. Sorry? Was this normally how Detectives spoke?

“Are you going to lock me up?” Shit. Why the fuck did she say that?!

He laughed.

“Not even if you’re guilty…and that won’t be my job” He winked at her. It wasn’t sleazy from him, just friendly.

He got up. She saw him lift his chair slightly. He walked towards her side of the desk carrying his chair. She saw the veins in his forearm. She saw he actually wasn’t that tall. That must have been why she looked into his eyes as she walked past him earlier.

“When you finished Chemistry did you go to the library straight away?” He asked her.

“Yes.”

“And you stayed in the library for how long again?”

“I would say until 6.”

“You wear a watch?”

“Yes.”

“May I see?”

She stretched her arm out. His fingers stayed on her wrist slightly as he saw the face of her watch.

“Thank you.” He said as he moved his fingers away.

Rest your arm she thought.

“After the library,” He cleared his throat “where did you go?”

“I went to my locker.”

Fuck. She had the full force of his gaze on her face. Why was she feeling hot and wet from just this?

She looked at him and blushed. It was just a reaction she guessed. And Holy God almighty he blushed too. It wasn’t just the top of his cheeks. It didn’t make him look any less manly but it did make her start breathing heavily.

She didn’t know how to breathe when he asked her “What did you do at your locker?”

“I collected my books for the weekend. Mathematics and Physics.” Normally her memory was pathetic but all this adrenaline or whatever rushing through was making her mind work like a miracle.

“Say that again.”

“Ssorry?”

His eyes went to her lips. “I couldn’t quite get you the first time. Say it again.”

But her voice wasn’t that breathy..considering the circumstances.

“I collected my Mathematics and Physics books for the weekend.”

She heard his breath hitch because for some reason she had actually moved her chair towards him.

“Melanie, what did you do next?” His voice was lower. It was.

“I closed the door of my locker” She meant to sound cheeky. “I turned my key” She leaned forward. “I waited until it made a click.”

“Then?” He wasn’t phased. And it was spoken against her face. His lips almost touched hers.

“Then..” When she moved her lips she could have taken his. She could have leaned further forward..”I dropped my books..I bent down. To pick my books up.”

“What did you do after you picked your books up?”

Damn.

“I..walked along the corridor. I walked to the door. I left the building.” She whispered.

“Did you see the time?”

“No. Sir. But it would have only been till up to quarter past 6 at the most.”

“Call me Michael.”

Damn. Cute name but he didn’t pick up on the “Sir” either.

“That will be all Melanie.” He leaned forward even more ..almost as if he meant to kiss the top of her head.

She didn’t kiss him as she wanted to. She just wanted to kiss him, it was inexplicable really. She wanted to do a whole lot fucking more to him but he was a stubborn one. He would have to make the first move. She would have to change her panties every time at this rate, so hot wet and sticky was she from his interrogation.

But he sat watching her, not even moving. She got up and saw his gaze go up her body. He really could have just kissed any part of it that he wished. Any. Especially..

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” She felt like some Goddess with him looking at her so earnestly like that.

“Tomorrow? Why?” Her voice sounded a little ragged.

“It’s standard procedure. “He then got up and she saw him straighten his clothes. No matter how cool and comfortable he was, he had some trouble tying to be professional she thought.

She could have complained. So she did. “Why is it standard procedure? Or is it just for me?”

He stopped straightening his shirt.

“I just need to know more details. From everyone. We’ve ran out of time today. You should get to your next class anyway.”

She looked him over. Liar. But she didn’t say anything. Instead she smiled the sweetest smile she could, “What time tomorrow?”

“You’ll be informed.”

She walked up to him. His eyes literally sparked. Dumb word but it was a fucking spark.

“Tomorrow then, Michael.” God this felt good. Fuck reality, she would play bad girl to his detective. She walked out the door, to put it bluntly she needed to touch herself imagining his eyes on her but she wouldn’t go to the bathroom. She WOULD go to class.

Buying Slow Burn on e book whether on computer or kindle

Here's the thing,

If you go on Lulu publishing and do a search for Slow burn (or Slow Burn) Pallavi Agarwal under ebooks you will get my book. I only have a copy and paste link and am unable to upload any click and buy tab here on my blog or a clickable link.

http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/slow-burn/12994621

Although the price of the book is now 2 uk pounds - it may still come up as 2.99 on the search, which is incorrect.

I have tried my utmost best to put a preview on there but it's just not happening and why should you buy the book if you don't have an excerpt? I have contacted the publishers and am waiting a response. Meanwhile, I have put a link on my product on lulu to a blog post where you can read a preview for Slowburn. (The post above this one).

I have a facebook page, search pallavi agarwal new erotica author and there is a preview, image, proper price, everything there. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Pallavi-Agarwal-new-Erotica-writer/160033077360005

Either tomorrow or day after, if you go on amazon, if you go on the kindle section, and do the same search, amazon uk or international, you should be able to buy Slow Burn for 3 US dollars and the appropriate UK price (they calculate according to the US price). I have tried to put an image but no luck there. I will try again and then send amazon an email. I will put up the link only once it's available to buy with or without the image. You're just going to have to imagine a sexy man and woman for now!

It was very easy to upload my ebook but it took me hours daily on both sites to try and get the small details such as excerpt and image and when it doesn't happen , one wonders if one should just bang on a Big Company's door and risk "you must tone this down" or editing to lose what you like. It's been a headache with no benefits so far, initially I was happy my book was out there, now I know no one has bought it even though they said they would and my facebook page has had some interest (I sent out invites lol)and I started with this book as I had received messages saying I am amazing/they can't stop thinking about the book.

However does self publishing work?