Short hair.

So the other day, my hair was pissing me off. What's new? And you want to slap me for saying well it's this thick thing and so heavy and you're sitting there with fine hair. But I have always wanted fine, run your fingers through smooth hair. Mine is coarse-ish. And it's not even full of volume despite being thick; it just drags itself down..and that's with my hair being short. And you're thinking we tend to want what we don't have or the opposite of what we have- but it's not like that.

Jennifer Aniston has nice, thick hair, even in the first season of Friends, I have thick hair but it's sure not like hers.

I don't think I've ever had it longer than shoulder length. So when I hear about guys' turn on you know sexily pulling their woman's hair in the heat of the moment or ..my "favourite" .the fantasy of having it in a bun and when it's released, loose cascading waves fall on her shoulders and her hair brushing against his cock. How literature, movies, society, men and women have feminity and sexuality linked to hair....well, see no one put a gun to my hair and said cut! But I just had to do it and when I looked in the mirror with the hairdresser looking elegant and me looking shaggy, not even long and shaggy but short and shaggy, I just needed to have a change and not have this burden. I like to look neat, you know? Have things in order.

NOW I have hair that's too short and I suppose it's all sexy and pixie cut when you're Winona Ryder but otherwise, I can't even look at some people or watch porn (well that 's a lie) until it grows.

I know. And there are people dying out there. I have my limbs, my health (well probably not, I just don't go for check ups to see what diseases are hidden underneath- sexy eh) and I don't like the way my hair looks in the mirror. My face looks better, short hair has always suited my features....not so much my round jaw.. but I don't feel particularly sexy despite feeling sexy..if you know what I mean. And it's not because of society or men: I'm a freak of nature so the usual psychoanalysis doesn't apply to me and that's not just wishful thinking. You know, I'm used to having short hair, I've had it all my life and being overlooked (I'm overlooked because I'm not obviously sexy but the hair has never got the admiration other women get from other women- their age or from men). But I just don't feel sexy because of what I'm seeing in the mirror at the moment.

By the way do any men not already in love with a woman lust after her when she does not happen to have nice hair or not nice but the wild untameable hair people are always "cliche-ing" about? Serious question. I like to get to the truth of things. Then torture myself. No, joking, i think a lot and I freely put out the negative but I do like to know things. Just because.

I wanted to write a blog and talk about even crap stuff like this. It's not like I can't get into erotica because of this..I can ALWAYS get into erotica and sex no matter what (I boast, still it's true) but I just don't feel that fun at the moment because I look downright serious. And you're thinking so smile; just so you know not that many women seem to enjoy having random men telling them to fucking smile. We're not seals there to perform for your enjoyment, you know! (Though we do like it when you enjoy certain parts of us..or any part. Perhaps).

Now for any men reading this telling me how sexy hair is to them- leave it. I'm not in the mood, it's a sore point at the moment. (Can you tell). I have crushes on people regardless of hair, in fact some have had the worst hair ever, I even managed to find Ethan Hawke attractive in Before Sunrise ...know what I'm saying..so yeah, freedom of speech not allowed on this one..or just choose your words carefully! *SPANK*

And you're thinking, wear stuff that's feminine. I wear heels and nice colours in scarves as it is. And I'm not sticking a god damn clip in my hair or wearing a god damn pink skirt. *sticks out tongue* (You see a theme? Fridays are the worst; I'm in desperate need of some good spanking erotica). (Perhaps, a short haired heroine?..humph!).

Valentines Day.

Warning; this is the most full of random bits that have no point post I have written so far. I gave it a title, in truth I just want to blabber on about Training Day. Again. & boys. And sex. The thing is, it's random but I mean it all and am going to do it all. Oo-er.

Today was one of those days when I wanted to be surprised. I don't go looking for suprises, whilst I give my opinions readily, I don't give a lot of other things away. When I say I want to be surprised, I also mean it in a romantic way. And in a sexual way.

Sometimes I want Michael Stevens in my story to surprise me. Truth is, I'm working on that. I don't want to create a cliche and it's really a case of me investing more time in that story to unravel him more. I've certainly unraveled his body. And I've got aspects of his character according to Mel and his feelings towards her in the piece which was from his pov but I look to Slowburn as a comfort and it's just too familiar at the moment. So maybe I need to distance myself from it like I did one story..Those Two..I was quite creative with that. I don't know but I'm not going to unravel his character just for the sake of it, it's just this is the story that won't quit. For me. It's going to continue in ten years, I'll be adding more to it. And the sex..I mean you know I need to surprised in reality about that too for me to write more about it. I can't just rely on me when I'm incredibly horny, you know.

I see so many bitchy men, I mean just today this man and woman went past and he was talking loudly about this woman whom he referred to as the lesbian and said something about how she would look good in a skirt and the woman he was walking with tittered with laughter..as they do..and then he was all "fucking" this and "fucking" that and I felt nauseous. Guys like that make me puke. Ugh. I know when I was at school I had this crush on a guy - he was SO clever and good at everything- but he was the biggest sad person ever. He would whine so much. He enjoyed the company of women more than men. He was just a bitchy girl! So Michael Stevens is my antidote. I initially and still find Training Day incredibly erotic. Laugh out loud. But, Ethan Hawke- just perfect. His character, his personality is okay and I get the drama, his opposite side of the coin, the stand up to Denzel's not just bad ass but in my opinion psychopath, I get it but his uniform, his mannerisms, his arms, his hair, his eyes, his lips. F.U.C.K. Mike Stevens was born out of my lust for Hawke's Jake Hoyt.

I like boys and men who are creative. Who may not be the smartest or the most noble or the most I don't know ..there..type person. I've often found myself falling for the funny boy in the class. Or the ones seen as losers. The bad ones- because they always said the funniest things to me. I think I like it because I'm weird and a little funny too and I still hang onto my naive hope and I do hope this..that men and women aren't that different. I just don't buy the whole male nature thing. I mean what about evolving as a human?

And when they say men like to protect and find women's vulnerability sexy, that makes me gag too.

I've decided to send myself little surprises. You know that quote from Clueless about any normal girl sending herself flowers? Yeah. I'm doing that. But not for a guy. For me. Happy Valentines Day. I like Valentines Days. I don't like it when a couple snogs in front of me but Valentines Day and the whole commerical thing? Man, shut up! I love the creativity.

Crushes.

I have always had it implied I should play down a crush I have on someone or better still not have it at all.

I think if you haven't got honesty or communication, you haven't got shit.

Whilst I don't join my name with the person I have a crush on or have fantasies we will get married and have tons of babies, never have done never will, I do in my honesty say from time to time when prompted, that I would gladly have a one nightstand with them. Whether it was a crush from school, I said it at the time, I'd give them a blow job in a heartbeat, I actually would, or a crush in my adult years, it's still the same intensity. Which is intense. They are part of the person I am in some way; they influence me in some way. I'm an excellent stalker and observer. I can also get over a crush and get back to it again. I can also know that my fantasies are just that, fantasies and that the intensity of my crush does not mean we are destined to spend a night together. And I don't believe in destiny but I do believe in the other person's will. In no way will it be a forced "seduction", I will make sure they feel intensely about me too. I'm very perceptive. Perception, observation of people is all I have and what I have.

And I talk about it. At every given opportunity will I make my feelings known even to them and let it be known I am not afraid of anyone's opinion of me and my crush or their own opinion of me.

It will be in every writing and their voice, face, actions, expressions are there too.

I have a crush on someone working in a pharmacy. I told one person about this. Today, no matter what and despite it all, I saw someone who from the corner of my eye I thought might be him and my heart skipped. I looked and it was not him but I looked at the person who resembled him in some way.

I also have a crush on someone who doesn't work in a pharmacy. This is more the one night stand thing; I don't know him and have never seen him offscreen. You know who it is. I won't say the name out of shyness more than embarassment. I like his voice, his depth, his lips and his arms.

The crush in the pharmacy could be married for all I know. Like that matters to me. When I think about it, the more determined I am despite my shyness and experiences with certain men and bitchy women and bitchy men, to make it known that sexually I'd do anything for and with him. Only if he liked me though. And that is not empowering. It's just the way it is.

And it's not because he's local, his being here is something that doesn't keep me alive or have as a last straw in any way, rather it's just his face I liked. I think about him and I hope if I ever see him again and he's walking with say a tall skinny blonde or maybe he's gay..this pharmacy guy..I hope that he looks at me because I, trust me, always look and make it known I'm looking. I have no shame. But if he is gay..can't he be bi..just for me! The things I would let him do to me.

It has now come to me that maybe this rude guy..this other one i "encountered" was him, i doubt it but if it was and i seriously doubt it, fuck him. But if it wasn't then yeah I'd like to fuck him.

Indulgence.

Photos I love. This is how I want Scott fucking in my book, Detective Stevens fucking Mel & Ed Dalton fucking me in my Daybreakers fanfic.


And now a book which I love,

“One day soon, I'm gonna fuck you without a condom. I want to feel your walls around me with nothing between us. I want to feel your ass tighten around me with smothering heat.”
She whimpered, nodded her agreement, and spread her legs as far as the snow pants would allow. He slid inside her sex in one smooth stroke. He didn't bother going slow, and she was glad of that. No, he pumped her hard, one hand holding on to her shoulder, and the other stroking the flesh of her ass cheeks.
“Bend over, and hold on to the cushions tight.”
She did as he told her, lifting up on her toes and leaning down, grabbing the cushions in her fists. One hand slid around her hip to the front of her body, his finger coming to rest against her clit, teasing the little button. She gasped. In midbreath, she felt him slide a slick finger slowly into her ass.
“Breathe. That's all you need to do. Breathe. God, you are so fucking tight.”

Lissa Matthews. Sugar Rush. Available from Loose id.
http://www.loose-id.com/Sugar-Rush.aspx

Just not good enough.

Knowing. Accepting. Moving on.


It happens every day. Something that implies I am just not good enough.

I like to do the best I can. I think this applies to a fair few human beings. Some want to be the best but some want to do the best they can do.

Appearance wise- I never knew how much my appearance will affect my daily life and as a result of being bullied 20 years I don't have the confidence for the right eye contact skills and am patronised in my work. I am doing my best. One embarassing situation - I have seen it seems for them more so than me -makes me think I can put it right on the next one. I will one day.

I have what I have. And I don't have what I don't have. It is clear that my round face, dark eyebrows, my hair the way it is not good enough when it comes to sexual attraction or status. You may question what I'm saying but I KNOW. And you will as a reader have to have enough faith in me to listen and take it on board even if it defies what YOU see. And you will ask why this is important to me, I'll say it's not and ask why you didn't read the paragraph above this one properly. Or did you just not get it? I'm sorry if I sound rude.

But I can not change my face unless I go through something drastic. I have the seen the glances at my legs and then when reaching my face, the looks away. It used to be my breasts before, as if that is all I have going on. I have seen the looks bang between my eyes as a way of intimidation by men and women. I have been banged in the arm and bag knocked off my shoulder without even consideration to know that I am not according to some people worth the consideration. I have heard the sounds of annoyance when having to move around me heaven forbid - I am a small girl and I have eyes, I know it's not lack of space that annoys them, rather me.

I know the men who are attracted to me, they seem to fit a pattern; African men or white, short men with no hair or short or older Indian men. I know the ones who don't fit this pattern look straight to my friends, sister or mother. This has always been. And I know the men I have been attracted to became attracted to me but were initially not so or embarassed that they were. I saw the signs- of attraction, of embarassment. And I know any man I am attracted to now I can't ever hope for that attraction to be reciprocated unless they get to know me. And that is not good enough for me.

It has been made very clear. The patronising- I don't always acknowledge it in public but I know when I see or experience it. I know that if I do acknowledge it, it makes absolutely no difference. And that is what hurts. That my personality; my words and my eye contact is not even good enough to have any effect.

Yet, knowing that I am not good enough I move on forward. I can relate to male characters in movies. I find inspiration mostly from male characters in movies (and one female from Memoirs of a Geisha- just for her strength as a human being). I see the news and I read a lot fact, fiction and after I realistically think back to what happens to me daily, I take on some of the spirit that was shown in Master and Commander, laugh all you want - who do you take on- Jordan?! - and I say fuck you, you have ruined my innocence, my naiveity, my wishes, my dreams, ever thinking I could have some part of glamour in my life, knowing that when I wear lipstick and jewllery, you mock, but you have not ruined ME. You've made me stronger because I need to be. My spirit may crumble, I may not always conquer but I will survive. My ambition hasn't lessened. And my sexual desires, needs and wants are stronger than ever despite my lack of belief in my own sexuality; it's weak. Despite my low self confidence I have no problem in feeling sexy, in exploring myself, in knowing my mind.

Look deeper.

Her name is Violet and I'm not jealous of her, I am her. On the cover of the story book she looks like Megan Fox and when she asks her male friend to meet a girl friend of hers, he says no to the sweet looking girl. He wants Violent only. He says she is beautiful to any red blooded man. He wants to dominate her. Fuck her even if she says no. Spank her. He knows what she really wants and she has feline eyes and sharp teeth that are big and pointy. I don't. But I want to be fucked and spanked. I'm not jealous of her because I am her inside and my short, plump lips will be betters than hers because the fit will be tighter. And my deepset eyes don't give away as many secrets as hers. It's funny how a book that you think you will hate has the most provocative dialogue and hero and is so on your level.


http://www.jasminejade.com/p-8103-a-whole-new-light.aspx

More Slowburn.

If it seemed like she was intensely into it and that she got that way often, it was to completely lose herself. She had not slept for a few nights and every emotion she felt, felt heightened. She could lose herself in one hysterical sob but tears made her feel worse. Sex wasn't a cure but actually Michael cured her in some way. And in some ways he was dangerous too. There was not a thing she wouldn't do sexually for him..even if it didn't please her. He must know that. He must have been able to sense it but not once did he take advantage. No, instead he controlled himself so much.

To know you are being protected is possibly the greatest feeling you could have in your life.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded not turning to look at him. She was topless and a hot sticky mess. And horny.

"What made you stop?"

"Me." She closed her eyes.

If only the bad memories that were recycled into existing parts of the day would disappear entirely, she would give him her whole heart, body and soul.

With a gasp she opened her eyes. She hadn't feel him touch her. But he was. And the car had stopped. And they were no longer on the road. He had pulled over. She looked back at him.

"Did you know I felt numb?"

"You were somewhere else." He said.

"I'm just not sure how to deal with pain. I just don't know how to stop it. And it hurts, but maybe I'll become numb. Hey, what happens if I become one of those numb women who don't feel a thing when their hus..boyfriends..screw them?"

"You're not a numb person."

"So why are you crying?" She whispered tremelously.

She heard him swallow.

"I'm going to make love to you and then we'll talk."

They both nodded sadly at each other. Yes he was going to make love to her and yes she felt her heart BEAT. Yet there was something that was going to die today.